The Endless Battle
by AddictedPenguin
Summary: Shortly after high school and college Kidou and Fudou started living together. The future seems to be bright for them until something changes their life and complete future perspective together. Will their battle for happiness ever end? Warning: adult themed, swearing and hints of sex.
1. Prologue

**Hello my dearest KdFd fans. I have returned with a new fic about this lovely couple, but I do have to warn you first.  
I'm practising my writing and this will be kind of a heavy story. Maybe it's not really suited as fanfiction but I'll see you guys' reaction to it.  
I'll be uploading the prologue and chapter one today. The fic is almost finished in my Word Documents so don't worry about my writer's block for this one, I worked really hard on this.**

**The parts written in _Italic_ right under the date refer to Fudou's diary. In this chapter there will also be a few lines he's writing without a date but you'll see that once you start reading. It'll be a lot from (t)his perspective sometimes.**

**Please enjoy and leave a review.**

**Angel**

* * *

**Prologue**

_June 14, 2019_

_Dear diary, ––_

_Good afternoon dia—_

_Hello…_

"Jesus fucking Christ." Fudou grabs the notebook and throws it with a rough gesture away from him. It flies several meters through the air until it gets stopped by the wall and bangs the ground with a loud thud. Of all the things, a diary, a motherfucking diary. He seriously couldn't come up with something better.

Fudou buries his hands in his half long hair and places his elbows on the table, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. His hair is starting to grow again, about time; it's been over a half year since the last time he shaved it. It should be growing back to its usual length by now. It feels weird to have this whole head covered with hair again, it's been so long.

After sitting in the same position for a while he slowly opens his eyes and throws a quick glimpse to the direction of the notebook he bought a couple of weeks ago; on advice of his therapist.

Fudou lets out an unintentional groan. Therapist, how much he despises that word, and not just the word. He holds a grudge against that man himself as well. Blabbering like he understands him, pretending to listen and giving fucking worthless advice; like writing down how he feels in that fucking diary. Describing his emotions and how often he thinks back at it. Well like that is going to help him, reminding himself how horrible the time was he's been through the past year. Yeah, he _really_ loves to think fucking back at the times he cried heavily and screamed loudly in pain, when he begged for someone to hear him, to help him. But no-one ever came, he was alone, abandoned, drowning in his own melancholy.

Until someone picked him up, at last, and put him back on his feet. He often wishes that didn't happen, he fantasises how it could have been if they had just let him demise out there. Then he wouldn't have to live with so much pain every single day. He wonders, or more, he doubts that this strong agony will ever vanish.

He lets out a sceptical laugh, it sounds hollow against the empty walls of his brand new house; an empty house full of awful memories and flashbacks.

_"A new place, a new life, from now on things will only get better for us."_

That was the biggest lie he had ever heard.

Fudou gets up from his chair and picks the diary from the ground. The pages look frightening empty, they're staring at him, enforcing him to grab a pen and write something down. This is insane; it must be that therapist's doing.

A powerful sensation of rage takes over his body; he rips out the first daubed page, takes his pen and begins to write.

_Hello you fucking piece of worthless diary,_

There, that feels a lot better. It's his diary so he can treat it the way he fucking wants to treat it. To hell with that therapist.

_I feel like a complete mess, not very different from the other day, but, I have to start somewhere._

_Why am I writing this down you think? Because a bunch of useless, fucking idiots thinks I need it. Or else I can't keep my life on the rails, thinking I'd hurt myself or something. Yeah right._

_I mentioned once, fucking once, to my therapist that I wrote a couple of things down during that period and the genius comes up with making a diary about how I feel every day. Yeah well, like that's going to fucking help me. He can't even come up with his own goddamn ideas._

Fudou puts the pen down and looks at the crappy handwriting and the angrily written words. This could be better, he knows he can do better. Somewhere hidden in a box in his closet lays the result of several months writing out nothing but pain and memories. He put it in a box he found while cleaning out their old apartment, it belongs to him and his fancy new shoes. He was so happy with the burgundy red pair of _Bruno_ _Magli_.

Fudou decided it would be the perfect place to hide some of their memories in since the shoes spent more weeks in that box than that he actually wore them. When Fudou asked why he wouldn't just fucking wear them he answered with something like that it would be a waste of the expensive shoes, what if something would happen to them?

Yeah, what if. It were just shoes in his eyes, who the fuck gets worked up over shoes? His boyfriend would, obviously, but he didn't fucking think of that when he tried them on and spilled some cheap beer on it later that day. He thought for a brief moment that if he'd just put them back where they belonged his boyfriend wouldn't even notice, but the look in his lover's eyes explained all the pain and love he felt towards those shoes when he entered the living room. Against Fudou's expectations his boyfriend had brushed it off and told him that he was right. It were just shoes anyway, he could replace them any time.

Fudou doesn't want to; he's not ready yet but his legs won't stop. He feels like he has no control over his own body, it's completely moving on its own. Fudou stops resisting when he opens the door of his huge closet. Something they made because they thought they'd need it in the future. He already protested, like he'd wear that much clothes but yeah, that's what you get when your partner is a fucking vain dork.

He holds the little black notebook in his hands. It looks like it's been used many times and then tossed away into a corner. That's pretty much what happened to it too, put away in a corner with his deep, dark memories.

His intentions were to maintain it there, never open it again. Hopefully never think of it again but it couldn't be like that. He can't even keep his own promises.

Fudou lets himself fall on his bed and begins to read. It starts somewhere when he was in his last year of high school around the age of sixteen, when he was still happy. He somehow started to write down his feelings in there, it was more of a joke at first but later he realised he actually felt lonely and had no-one to share his thoughts with. Yeah, of course he had friends; he wasn't a loner. It just never crossed his mind that he would feel the need to share his sensitive emotions with someone, but apparently even a man feels the need to talk about feelings related stuff sometimes.

_September 20, 2010_  
_Broke up with Shinobu today, what a pain. She kept complaining about how I spend more time with Kidou than with her. I'm done with her anyway, the flat-chested bitch. I'm working damn hard for my money and she expects me to buy her lunch and dinner, gifts for stupid anniversaries and go to the movies. She says that's what boyfriends do, well if they do then I don't want to fucking be a boyfriend. It was way more fun when we were still screwing around anyway. Guess I'll miss the sex with her, but not like we still did it that often._

_Kidou on the other hand seems to be spending more and more time with that one-eyed jerk lately. Che, what's so good about him? He's boring, annoys the fuck out of everyone and thinks he knows everything better. Who wants to spend his time with a wiseacre rather than with me? Jerk._

_October 29, 2010_  
_Had a small talk with Kidou today, it was going pretty well until those fucking friends of his had to interrupt us again. "What are you talking about?" That's none of your fucking business. But Kidou doesn't mind, he doesn't even notice that I don't want them around. Yeah sure, go ahead. I'll be fine alone._

_November 5, 2010_  
_That's it, I'm done with this. The only things Kidou ever talks about are soccer, strategies and school work. I'm giving up, like I want to go out with such a loser. This is useless, I quit._

_December 22, 2010  
__We kissed! This is fucking unbelievable! It even sounds terribly romantic. School organised some kind of prom and I only went to show one Takanishi Shinobu that I look damn hot in a tuxedo (I borrowed it). She was way too busy flirting with other guys, it made me sick. The party was dull anyway so I went outside for a smoke and, there he was. He looked handsome, like, fucking, seriously handsome. Thought he was going to complain about the smoke, he hates it when I do it in his presence but he actually asked me if we could share one. We were standing quietly in the snow and when I wanted to pass him the cigarette he kissed me instead._

_It was a good kiss, we started slow but eventually we were lip biting and hair pulling. A kiss has never felt so good and intense to me before, not just the kiss, everything he does feels so fucking good. The way his fingers run through my hair, the light squeezes he gives me in my arm when he needs to breathe, the way his body responds to my touch. I think I could be doing this with him for like forever. I think I found a new kind of addicting drug. Addicted to Kidou._

Fudou couldn't remember that he described the way they kissed so detailed back then. This has always been his deepest secret, no-one's allowed to know about it, it would ruin his reputation.

He skips a few pages ahead, almost everything is in there; their first date, their casual talks, his jealousy, exploring each other's bodies, finals, their summer together, fights, their first time, college. They both enrolled to a university where they could combine their studies with soccer, they had been through so much together already when their lives started for real and they stayed together all this time. When they bought their first apartment together, Fudou really thought nothing could shred them apart anymore.

But shortly after, their lives fell apart.


	2. Chapter 1

_January 16, 2018  
Recently everything is going pretty damn well between me and Yuuto. Yeah he's always busy and works a lot but he's keeping the weekends free for me so we see each other pretty often. The living together thing is working out better than we both expected, I guess. We don't fight that much and when we do the makeup sex is even better than the regular sex. Yuuto's playing less soccer though because of his job at his father's company. I kinda miss playing with him but, I started coaching a couple of weeks ago. They're an annoying bunch of –_

Fudou quickly shuts his diary and hides it beneath one of the cushions of the sofa when he hears the door being opened. He reaches out for the remote and turns on the TV in order to look like he was doing something before his boyfriend came home.

"Hey, how was your day?" He asks when Kidou silently enters the room. "What? Oh yes, it was good." He answers but Fudou knows his friend longer than today and isn't satisfied at all with Kidou's half hearted reply. "Doesn't sound too good, what's up?"

"Just a little tired, it's been a long day." Kidou loosens his tie and takes a seat in his favourite chair, his father had given it to him when Kidou left the house. Kidou sitting on that chair could mean two things; either he wants to get comfortable with a good glass of wine, or something is troubling him. That would still mean he'd like a glass of wine so it's only natural for Fudou to rise from his seat and get Kidou a glass.

"Thanks." He mumbles when Fudou brings him his _Banfi Brunello di Montalcino Poggio all'Oro_, some kind of way too expensive brand. Kidou had been trying to teach him how to pronounce this, if you ask him, ridiculous name of the wine but he didn't come much further than the first word. Demonio had taught Kidou this during one of their visits.

Demonio, or as Fudou likes to call him, Kidou's clone, seemed to have lots in common with his boyfriend so even now and then they make a trip to Italy to visit their old friend. They'd go to museums together, art galleries and wine tasting events while Fudou stays at the villa they bought there two years ago. That's when Kidou picked up caring more about the wine he drinks, it's not just liquor to him anymore, oh no, behind every bottle and every brand lies a story, like Kidou would say. Fudou remembers how Kidou had tried to explain him the history behind the wine they were drinking.

_"As every beginning student of wine knows, every vintage has its own characteristics. So what's a vintner to do when certain year's weather doesn't cooperate? They don't sell it. That's why you'll only see this available in specific vintages—and why you can trust that any bottle will be of the highest quality."_

Fudou laughs under his breath and flops down on the sofa again, watching Kidou drinking his wine, deep in thoughts. Fudou focuses his gaze on the TV again but he's not really watching, something is pestering Kidou but he doesn't speak. It worries Fudou but he has learned that he should wait until his boyfriend is ready to share his thoughts about it. He is probably over thinking whatever happened to him today and will speak once he figured out how to place the situation. Suddenly he gets up after placing his glass on the coffee table and leaves the room after a soft muttered: "I'm going to bed.", leaving Fudou alone in the living room, confused and even more concerned than he already was.

* * *

_January 23, 2018_  
_Yuuto's still complaining about this headache he's having. I finally managed to get him to the doctor yesterday. He got home with some sleep medication and a note that he needs rest. Told him that too but I suppose he needed to hear it from someone more professional who studied to tell people they need rest. He's sleeping better since he's taking those pills, sleeping a lot more too. He's home before dinner most of the days, it's new for the both of us but I ain't complaining that he's home this early. We're not having much sex though, he falls asleep before I'm getting it up. _

Fudou has been standing in the kitchen for nearly two hours. Next to his job as coach he's taking cooking classes too so he can surprise his boyfriend with a decent meal for dinner instead of macaroni warmed up in the microwave. His workplace is a mess, there is pasta everywhere- even in his hair and he cut in his fingers three times while slicing the vegetables, but he accomplished his mission. The scent of his _Carbonara_ pasta on the recipe of _Jamie Olivier _fills the dining room with a nice aroma and gives him a satisfying feeling of accomplishment. See, he's not such a screw up as everyone thinks he is.

He just finished pouring two glasses of wine for them to drink with their dinner when he hears the door open. He's exactly on time. "Welcome home, Yuuto~" he grins and gives Yuuto a glass. "You better be starving because I worked damn hard to pull this off."

"Ah, thank you." Kidou takes the glass but he doesn't drink from it. "It smells nice here." He sounds like he finds it difficult to get those words over his lips but Fudou doesn't pay too much attention to it. "Yeah, and it tastes even better! Come!" He pulls Kidou with him to the dining room where the two take their usual seats on the table and start with their dinner.

Kidou doesn't seem to eat much but it's more than he ate yesterday and that already feels like a little accomplishment. He doesn't say so but Fudou can see on his face that he's enjoying his meal. What is strange though that Kidou barely even touched his wine. "Did I pick the wrong one? Sorry— I asked Sakuma for advice and he recommended this one. Should have known that you can't trust someone with just one working eye."

Kidou smiles briefly, but it's a smile. "No, no Akio, it's— it's fine. Don't you worry yourself about it. You've done great." He puts his hand on Fudou's and squeezes gently. "Everything is absolutely amazing. Thank you." Fudou averts his gaze from his boyfriend with a slight blush colouring his cheeks. Even though the light in the room is dimmed it's still visible, but Kidou doesn't make a comment about it. He holds his glass and takes a sip, but makes a sour face shortly after and quickly puts his glass back on the coaster. "Not good?"

The taller man shakes his head. "No, that's not it. I can't seem to get pleasure out of drinking alcohol anymore these days. It leaves a sharp pain that runs from behind my ears down either side of my neck."

Fudou furrows his eyebrows. "Shouldn't you let someone look at that?" Kidou puts down his tableware and shoves his plate a little further away from him. "It's probably a side effect from the sleep medication I am taking. I'm sure that after I can stop with those I'll be able to drink again. Not drinking isn't that bad, maybe it will be good for me to drink less. I should narrow down my cups of coffee during the day too but the caffeine helps me staying awake."

"If you say so, Yuuto. You know your body best." He smiles but he's sure that the worry is written all over his face. "Are you finished eating?" After he gets the approval from Kidou to take their plates he begins with cleaning the table. When he returns to the dining room to take the rest he finds Kidou leaning on the table with two hands, he's breathing heavily and sweat is streaming down over his face like they just played an intense match. "Oi, Yuuto?" He rushes towards his boyfriend and helps him stand. "You alright? Should I call a doctor?"

"No, I'm just a little dizzy. My vision went blurry for a moment too. I've been staring at my computer screen for way too long again today." He smiles weakly and tries to take a step but immediately clings on his boyfriend's arms. "You should lay down Yuuto. Come, I'll bring you to bed." Kidou quietly obeys Fudou, too worn out to even object to him. The need to rest might be stronger than his pride this time.

Kidou fell asleep even before Fudou could undress him, so he had to work the heavy man out of his clothes without any cooperation from his side. It wasn't the first time Fudou cursed Kidou for wearing this many layers of clothes, it's a real struggle to get all of these off. He wonders why the other man still bothers to even wear all of this every morning and take it all off before he goes to bed. Fudou loves him though, from his dreadlocks to his _Santoni_ designer shoes. A rather strange combination, if you'd ask him.

* * *

_February 6, 2018  
_  
Fudou spits the water and left over toothpaste he had in his mouth in the sink, next to him is standing his boyfriend who's shaving his stubble. Fudou likes the little things like this; starting their morning with a shower and dressing up together, although he'd never admit it to Kidou. Sometimes Fudou finds himself studying Kidou's face. Je already did this before they started dating; Fudou simply enjoys the expressions Kidou makes when he's focussed, but lately it's different. He looks at the other with more concern, Kidou is rapidly losing weight and he started wearing his goggles again instead of regular glasses in order to cover the bags under his eyes. Fudou can't imagine that the green vision those ugly things are giving him are good for his health but Kidou insists on wearing them. It's one of the things Kidou and Fudou have in common; their stubbornness.

"Akio?" Kidou's voice draws him back. "Do you think my neck looks a little swollen?"

"Eh?" Fudou blinks and steps closer to his partner in order to touch his neck. "Yeah, now that you say it. Your nodes appear to be swollen."

"Hm," Kidou rubs with his hand over his chin to see if he missed a spot before he continues. "I've been coughing a lot and transpiring during the night. I must have caught a cold."

_Yeah, and you've been losing an abnormal amount of weight in a short period of time_. Fudou thinks, but he doesn't say it. He feels like he has been bothering his boyfriend with complaints about Kidou's bad health so he decided to keep quiet about it for a while. Kidou must be getting sick of only hearing it these days.

* * *

_February 20, 2018  
Yuuto's been struggling to get himself to work lately. I'm not sure what worries me more at this point; his condition of Kidou Yuuto, the biggest workaholic of whole Tokyo refusing to go to work. My need to ask for help, and Yuuto's lack of it, have caused me to do something unexpected. I called Sakuma and told him everything. He has been worried about his boss for quite a while too already, but he had no idea about Yuuto's condition at home. We made a plan together to get Yuuto to see a doctor, again. Sakuma planned an appointment for him, because he knows more about Yuuto's busy agenda, and we convinced him to go. Even Yuuto saw that after fainting twice on one day that it's not just a way too long lasting cold. I'd like to come with him but I have to coach those brats tomorrow so Sakuma will accompany him. Let's hope for the best._

Fudou opens his can of beer after giving Sakuma a glass of wine. Since Kidou refrains himself from drinking alcohol at all now he thought it wouldn't really do any harm if guests would drink a glass or two. "So, what did the doctor say?"

"They'll have the results in a week or so, as soon as they have it they'll invite him for another appointment. "Sakuma crosses one leg over the other. "I hope they'll be able to help him this time." Fudou takes a gulp from his drink and rubs with his hand over his mouth. "Yeah, or we'll ask for a goddamn second opinion, this shit is taking way too long."

"It's not just Kidou who is suffering, hm?"Fudou shrugs. "He's my boyfriend, 'f course I'm worried 'bout the guy. He looks like a zombie. Not very appealing."

"I wish he'd eat more." Sakuma sighs worriedly. "You're really not getting him to eat?"

"Nope, I'm making all the things he likes and he still refuses. I took him to one of those fancy restaurants he likes last week but he looked like he was 'bout to throw up when he only saw the menu. I'm getting gradually more desperate. At this point it feels like I'm cuddling with a stick whenever we get in bed together."

"It must be tough, I hate to see my best friend struggling, but being his partner must be even worse." Sakuma gets up and puts his hand on Fudou's shoulder. "Take care, and keep me informed. If you need any help me and Genda are available."

"Thanks." Fudou smiles faintly. "I'll give 'ya a call as soon as I know more."

After Sakuma leaves Fudou eats something easy to make as dinner and heads to their bedroom to check on Kidou. He seems to be sleeping peacefully. Fudou sits on the edge of the bed and caresses the thin man's cheek. If he could only do more than sit by and watch the one he loves slack off more every passing day...

* * *

_March 7, 2018_

Kidou's swollen nodes are getting worse instead of less and Fudou decides it time for an emergency visit at the hospital. Again, nothing useful came out of the blood results and he's getting sick of it. He discussed it with Sakuma and they asked for a second opinion in a different, bigger hospital in Tokyo. Hopefully they'll get more help this time.

And help they get. This doctor shares Fudou's concern and he makes room for them to make an ultrasonography the same day. It's an ultrasound examination that makes the organs inside the body visible. Ultrasound consists of high-frequency waves emitted by a transducer. The internal organs reflect the sound waves back and thereby become visible on the monitor. Even after that explanation Fudou had no idea what they were going to do to his precious Yuuto, but if it could help them find a diagnose he'd be would hear the results of the test the day after so they booked a hotel nearby the hospital. Fudou didn't even suggest going out to see the city, he knew that as soon as they'd reach their room his boyfriend would go to sleep. Now Fudou is sitting on the edge of the bed and holds Kidou's hand in his, gently brushing with his thumb over the other male's skin. When he's watching him sleep this peacefully he realises how much he loves this man, his old rival and best friend. That someone intelligent and with a high status like he has wants to go out with someone like him is still a mystery to him, but he realises that he's damn lucky with a man like Kidou.

"I'll always stay by your side, Kidou-kun." He presses a kiss on Kidou's hand and snuggles up next to his warm body. They've both changed a lot over the years, but one thing will never change. Fudou's love for Kidou.

* * *

_March 8, 2018  
The results came back, they're positive. I've never heard someone use the word 'positive' before when they are bringing bad news. Who does such a thing? 'The results came back positive', are they out of their damn mind?! The results are positive, the doctors are almost 100% sure about it. There is a high chance that Yuuto has cancer._


	3. Chapter 2

**Hello!**

**I want to thank you all for your kind reviews they are making me so happy! Also the ones who favourited it and/or followed the story, thank you so much and I do hope to hear your opinions too!**

**Amaya0Miyako: I've seen your name appearing a lot in my emails these days- thank you for following and favouriting my stories and the review made me smile like a dork!**  
**Pat Fifty Storms: Cute name by the way! - ahh, no I am not really including Kageyama. I will mention him but I came up with this before Kageyama magically reappeared!**  
**Seiren: I didn't even notice the amount of swearing to be honest (I guess that says something about me too- oops) and yes he was quite pissed. I promise that it won't happen _that_ often again. How can I do this to Kidou- I am not sure actually. I suppose I like destroying people! :D**  
**Heather: I love how cruel you are and I have at least one yes for Kidou dying! ... no there won't be a vote, everything is written out in either my head or my quick sketch of how it's supposed to go. We'll see how it turns out.**

**Thank you both for the compliment for the diary idea, it's indeed out of character for Fudou to write something like this but it allows me to describe his feelings so Fudou just has to deal with it. I usually refrain from writing in the first person because I dislike it somehow but it's turning out better than I expected. The first person parts are horrible if you look at it grammatically but it's Fudou's diary so I figured out it's allowed to have grammatical errors (yeey!)**

**When Heather first mentioned the smoke I had to think for longer than I want to admit what the hell she meant. Oh yes, the last part of the prologue. That idea actually came from my prom two years ago (wow...) it was snowing and somehow I imagined Fudou standing outside in the snow and it became all romantic. Seiren's second commend made me laugh; yes Kidou kissing an ashtray without throwing up. I actually don't really remember what he was doing outside- I think he was dumped by his date. I wrote it two years ago, forgive me, I might upload it some day when I actually finish it.**

**It's funny but not unexpected that the both of you already guessed what was going on before the 'actual' diagnose. It wasn't that hard to notice anyway, I had to describe the symptoms somehow.**

**While you ladies continue discussing Kidou's date of possible death I'll upload two chapters today because the first one is more of an 'in between' chapter. (The actualy reason is because Kidou's hair will be happening in the next one; be prepared)**

**I made this way too long already, please enjoy!**

* * *

_March 17, 2018  
__Haven't written in a while, been busy taking care of Yuuto and didn't feel too well either. After the doctor's possible diagnose my world had stopped. As if someone pressed pause on a stopwatch during the match 'cause a thunderstorm was coming up. The news sure hit me like thunder afterwards too. Sometimes I can't stand Yuuto's calmness but I guess one of us should be thinking rationally. A little too rational if you ask me. We didn't say a word to each other on our way back home, the atmosphere had been rather awkward between us since we left the doctor's office. I didn't know how to bring it up and Yuuto didn't want to speak about it._

_One time, one time I finally brought it up when we were watching TV together, some program about giving money to support victims of cancer. The timing couldn't have been more perfect, I thought. Yet Yuuto simply brushed it off and went to bed after it._

_Cancer, one doesn't just get cancer right? Should we have seen it coming? Could be in the family, but how were we supposed to know. The only family Yuuto knows except his sister were his parents. Maybe his dad died before they could even diagnose it. Ugh, I shouldn't be writing like that._

_Everything went fast after out next visit in the hospital. We found a doctor here who is willing to help us, Gouenji's father I have been told (I finally understand why Gouenji's been tanning so much; he's probably sick of hearing if he might be adopted. Damn that man is— tanned), and Yuuto's been having all kinds of tests and scans. They felt his neck, his armpits, his stomach and groin. It was later that I realised that they were looking for more swollen areas on his body. After that he had a full body scan. I stayed with him all day, I guess Yuuto would rather have gone alone but there's no way that I am letting him. In times like this he should be aware by now that I got his back. In two days we'll know the results. In two days we'll know if he really has cancer or not._

Fudou is playing with the plastic stirrer in his coffee. They've been sitting in the waiting room for at least thirty minutes now and it's working on his nerves. What's taking them so long? He glances at his boyfriend. The man gained a little weight and it makes Fudou happy, but it concerns him on the other hand. Kidou might be forcing himself to eat more than he can to prove them all that he isn't sick, or rather, he's trying to convince himself. Kidou has distanced himself more from not only Fudou but all his friends. No-one is really getting through him, not even Sakuma.

"Kidou Yuuto can come in."

Finally, it's their turn. The both of them get up and follow the doctor to his office. They've been here many times before the past couple of weeks and yet it still fascinates Fudou how _dull_ their doctor's office looks. Stacks of files are spread over his desk, it barely gives him room to write. There is standing an old computer on his other desk, a phone and something that looks like this half eaten lunch of this day. Or maybe yesterday. The walls are empty except for some printed pictures of the inside of people's lungs and livers. On the door hangs a huge poster of an Indian with the text '_only when the last tree has died and the last river has been poisoned and the last fish has been caught will we realise that we cannot eat money'_. Not really what you'd expect in the office of a doctor but alright, everyone has their taste.

"I'm sorry for the wait, I won't keep you in suspense any longer. After many tests and scans we have concluded that Kidou-san has indeed cancer." Fudou's vision turns blank. It's true, what he feared just became true. His boyfriend has cancer, will he die? What are they going to do now, what is there what they can do? "Kidou-san has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a form of lymphoma." The man continues.

"I see, could you explain yourself further, doctor? I'm afraid that I am not too familiar with medical terms." Kidou's voice is stable, his eyes are focussed on the man in front of him and at the first sight it's hard to tell what Kidou's feeling right now, but Fudou knows him longer than today. Under the desk Kidou has clenched his fists tightly together. That's Kidou Yuuto, he trained himself to always look good and professional on the outside, and only a few people will see what is happening on the inside right now.

"Of course. Lymph nodes are everywhere in the body. These glands are in the neck, armpits, along the trachea, the lungs, intestines, the groin and behind the abdomen and pelvic area. Lymph nodes act as filters. They make germs, bacteria and viruses. This is done using lymphocytes, a type of white blood cell, that provides for the defence. These are created in the bone marrow. An evil, unrestrained cell division of lymphocytes in the lymph node is the cancer.

Often Hodgkin lymphoma begins in the neck, which is also your case, Kidou-san. The disease can spread through the lymphatic vessels to nearby lymph nodes. Only later did they go to more distant nodes. Rare is, and only happens in an advanced stage of the disease, that the Hodgkin lymphoma can get into the bloodstream and from there expand to other organs in the body. We will of course do everything we can to prevent this from happening."

Fudou can't follow most of the things the doctor is telling them and even Kidou seems to be struggling with understanding it all. Google it will be once they get home. "How often do people get diagnosed with this form of cancer?"

"In recent years, the number of patients with Hodgkin lymphoma increased slightly. In 2000 there were 375 patients and in 2011 this number was 450. The disease can occur at any age, but there are two groups: young people of about 20 years and people over 55 years. The disease is slightly more common for men than in women."

Kidou puts his hand on his chin and nods slowly. "I understand. What is the cause of all of this, is there a way I could have prevented it?"

"I can assure your way of living wasn't any influence. From what I can say is that you've let a healthy life so far. Why someone gets diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma is still unknown, but we do have a treatment of course." The doctor continues his long, obviously rehearsed speech and again somewhere in the middle Fudou gets distracted and stops listening even though he knows he should at least try to pay a little attention. It's like being a high school student again. He didn't read the pages he had to study before he came to class so he has no idea what the teacher is talking about, and while the teacher is talking he can't follow it and starts doing other things while he knows he should be listening because they have an exam soon. His whole life seems to be repeating all those little things you first experience in high school again, but this time way worse and unexpected. If you don't pay attention in class you fail, but if Kidou gets sick- will Fudou lose him?

He finally dares to ask the question that has been floating through both of their minds ever since the doctor started speaking. "And what's the chance he'll get through this?"

The doctor pauses for a moment and speaks a little slower, but this too seems like he has said it many times before. Like someone is showing him a card and he's merely reading out loud what the card has to say in front of the audience. In this case, Kidou and Fudou are his audience. "Hodgkin's patients have a decent chance of survival thanks to medical advances that have even increased in recent years. Between 1989 and 1994, 76 percent of patients are still alive after five years. Between 2001 and 2005 this rose to 81 percent."

Fudou doesn't need to hear all those nondescript percentages and figures, he just wants to hear what he wants to hear. "Yeah, but will he die or not?"

The doctor coughs awkwardly and he can hear Kidou chuckle softly. He's used to his boyfriend's direct way of asking but the doctor wasn't prepared for that. "The survival rate of a patient depends on the age, the condition and the stage of the disease. Kidou-san is just twenty-four, his condition is well in spite of the circumstances and we detected the cancer before it could do serious harm. I estimate that his chance of survival is quite high."

Fudou sinks back in his uncomfortable chair and blocks himself from the rest of the conversation. Even the doctor said it now and is mind is at ease. They'll beat this disease, just like they have defeated other enemies, together.

* * *

_March 19, 2018_

_(...-)  
The doctor told us that they'd start the treatment right away. They took Yuuto away for another scan and a bone marrow biopsy. I had no idea what it was but the nurse let me stay with him. The doctor came in and told Yuuto to take his shirt off, I offered to do it but Yuuto told me to act a little more serious. What a party pooper he is. He wouldn't even let me help unbuckling his belt! When Yuuto was all set he had to turn on his side. I think it's the first time I saw him this nervous, even a little scared. At that moment I realised that it was indeed no time to joke around, he needed me. I held his hand and I think I squeezed his harder than he did in mine when I saw what kind of instrument they were going to use. Yuuto was facing me so he couldn't see it of course, but he should be glad that he didn't._

_Yuuto was more relaxed than I was when they started. The nurse was casually talking with us, how long we were already dating and all. They marked Yuuto's back so they knew where they had to stick that huge thing inside his body and thereafter she disinfected the spot. All quite innocent up till there. Then she explained they were going to anaesthetise his skin until the bone, because you can't anaesthetise a bone of course. Even I got that._

_Shortly after she said that she'd start and hell I noticed that, as soon as she did Yuuto held my hand tighter. He said that the first part didn't hurt, like the nurse had said, but when she came to his bones she yelled that Yuuto has thick bones and it was hard to get through them. I could even see tears in his eyes, and that was the first time in months that I had seen him cry. Because of his thick bones the nurse had to use quite some force and that mustn't have been pleasant for him. Even with pulling it out once she got what she needed she had to pull hard to get the needle back._

_But it's all done now and all we can do is wait for the results, again. It might take a while, is what the nurse said before she left the room. What's it with hospitals and taking this long to get fucking results? I'm glad they were able to do something at least. We're taking little steps but we'll get Yuuto back on his feet._

_March 31, 2018_  
_It's been twelve days since our last hospital visit and still no news. I searched on a lot of sites and apparently it's common that it's taking this long to get the results. Nothing the matter so far. I'm trying to distract Yuuto as much as possible, not only from his disease but also from working. Whenever he has the chance to he tries to get some work done again. Sakuma took it all over and Yuuto trusts him, but I think he honestly misses working. He even sneaks on his laptop when he thinks I'm not looking. I've let him for a while, an hour a day, but once I saw how much stress it gives him aside from the joy I hid his laptop. Even not writing down here where I left it; who knows if he might find this diary some day._

_Two days ago we informed all our friends and Yuuto's sister about his disease. Gouenji already knew of course, but we asked him to keep it quiet. It was a tough day. Haruna was crying nonstop. The other old managers and even a few teammates couldn't keep their eyes dry either. Specially the cry babies from old Raimon let their tears flow. It was nice seeing all of our old Teikoku mates and Inazuma Japan member together, we had rent a room 'cause all those people could never fit in our apartment, but not after too long I had to send everyone home. Yuuto was getting tired and only a few close friends, like Genda, Sakuma, Gouenji and Endou, were allowed to stay. His sister too 'f course. When we were with just the seven of us something happened. I had seen Endou and Gouenji cry before, Sakuma too 'cause he already cries when someone dies in a movie, but it was the first time that I saw tears in Genda's eyes. Yuuto was holding his sister in his thin arms, it looked nice, seeing him giving that much comfort to his little, upset sister. I kinda miss Yuuto's strong arms around me, but I'm sure that when he's better and gains weight it'll all be like how it used to be. It's awkward by the way, sitting in a room full with crying weirdos. I haven't cried 'bout this matter, it just won't happen. Yuuto needs me and if I'm a leaking mess all the time it won't help him recover. Crying won't change anything._

_We're doing nice things together, I gave up on coaching so far but we go to my kids' matches with him and we discuss strategies. All the things we could have done better than the current coach. He's coming with me to cooking classes too, we make sure he gets a chair to sit on when he feels tired but he's been helping me a lot. We're cooking together at home too, never knew we could have this much fun in the kitchen without any sexual intercourse. We're refraining from sex for now and you might not believe it, but I ain't complaining. Yuuto's health is more important to me than sex. We're getting more intimate than a couple of months ago though, we kiss, cuddle and caress each other in intimate ways. Sometimes we help each other release the tension when it gets too much to bear with any longer but I always keep a good eye on Yuuto to check how he's feeling. Our love is growing stronger each day and we're determined to grow old together._

* * *

**One final note: the description of the doctor's office is my doctor's. It took me at least ten minutes to find that damn man with the damn quote on Google Images but I succeeded! (... I tried my best to remember it but my last visit to the hospital was two months ago and I just couldn't recall what was on it anymore).  
**  
**More feels in the next chapter, see you there! **


	4. Chapter 3

_April third, 2018  
The results didn't come back good. They immediately started with the chemo.  
They gave him some anti-allergy product first and fifteen minutes later the medication they needed arrived. Yuuto was struggling with staying awake, he was listening but didn't really hear anything I said. It was all nonsense anyway, I only tried to keep his mind off all that was happening around him. I told him to sleep and a mere second later he did. He was even snoring, I never heard him do that before, it was kinda adorable. He seemed to be resting well. The nurse told me all those medications made him feel extremely drowsy and that's why he slept that fast. About four hours later all the shit was inside Yuuto's body and they started with some kind of chemical mixture. Two hours after that I was allowed to take him home and honestly, we both were relieved he didn't have to stay there for the night.  
_

The couple sat on the sofa together for a while but after some time Kidou got up and went to bed. He didn't look too well and Fudou understands that after a tough day like this he only wants to sleep. With the soccer match on the TV on mute and his body stretched over the couch he grabs his phone to inform Sakuma about the day. He tells him about the bad news they got, about the chemo and Kidou's snoring. Sakuma too had never heard him do that before and they decided that if he'd pick it up now they'd sew the half of a tennis ball in his pyjamas. Fudou's eyes rest on the TV, apparently one of the teams just scored. On the other side of the line he can hear Sakuma curse quietly.

"You're watching too?" Fudou laughs. From there on they start to talk about more casual things like soccer matches and coaching. Fudou asks how it's all going at Teikoku now, not really out of interest but he's sure that Kidou would like to know.

Fudou looks up, a little alarmed when he hears the bedroom door. "I gotta go, I think Yuuto's awake. I'll call you tomorrow or something." With that he ends the call and not long after Kidou appears in the doorway. "Can't sleep?"

"I missed you."

A smile curls on Fudou's lips and he opens his arms. "C'mere you big teddy bear." His boyfriend crawls over him and rests himself on Fudou's chest. Fudou slides one arm around Kidou's waist and he uses the other one to caress the other man's untied dreads. They stay like this for a while, quietly watching the match on the TV after Fudou turned up the volume again. He never told Kidou how much he treasures moments like this, but then, his boyfriend never mentioned it either and he's sure that he feels the same way about it. There are no words needed between the two of them. Not on the field and not outside of it. They know how the other feels and thinks. Sometimes it feels like they're reading each other's minds.

"I love you."

Fudou's a little startled. Even though he was just thinking about it he didn't expect that the other would actually say it out loud. He buries his face in Kidou's hair and mutters a quiet "Me too". Maybe even they feel the need to express their feelings through words sometimes. Fudou tries to think of the last time they actually said that they love each other. It might have been during one of their make outs, moaning in the heat of the moment what they mean to each other, but does that really count? It is sincere so why not.

"Akio?" Fudou opens his eyes, Kidou sounds a lot weaker now. "It's cold..." The brunette can feel the body of his boyfriend shaking in his arms. "Hang in there." Fudou presses a soft kiss on Kidou's forehead and carefully gets up from under Kidou's body. A little while later a returns with hands full of duvet from their bedroom and other blankets he grabbed on the way. After wrapping Kidou in them he crawls next to his boyfriend again and holds him tightly in his arms. The man is still shivering and sweating a lot when Fudou starts to press soft kisses all over his boyfriend's face. Kidou opens his eyes and two scarlet eyes meet his. He can see Kidou smile faintly before he brushes his lips over the others. Kidou doesn't move much and Fudou is leading the kiss but he knows his boyfriend well enough to recognise the noises he is making. Kidou is enjoying it just as much as he is. He even moves his hand up to Fudou's bicep and squeezes softly— it's not until after Kidou pushes him away with the strength he has that it was a sign for him to stop. "Hm?"

"Feeling sick..."

Kidou climbs over the brunette and rushes to the bathroom. Fudou closes his eyes and exhales a deep sigh. He shouldn't be selfish now, especially not at this moment, but there's a strange feeling stinging in his chest and it makes him feel rather uncomfortable. He can hear Kidou struggling in the bathroom and it calls him back to his senses. He shouldn't be here pitying himself on the couch, he should be with his boyfriend.

When he arrives Kidou is hanging, almost clinging on their toilet. His head is resting on one of his arms and if it wouldn't be for the noises Kidou is still making he would have thought he had fallen asleep in his own mess over the toilet. Fudou crouches and rubs over his partner's back. "Hey buddy, I'm with you. Let it all out."

He remembers that Kidou said sort like things to him too the last time Fudou was feeling messed up like this. It had been after a heavy night of drinking and once they got home Fudou wasn't able to hold it in anymore. Unlike Kidou, he didn't make the bathroom in time and threw up all over their brand new parquet floor. Kidou hadn't scold him, he didn't get mad nor made fun of him for losing control over his body. The only thing he did was sit next to him and rub over his back while whispering sweet things. When Fudou finished emptying his stomach on their floor Kidou guided him to bed and when he woke up there was a glass of water with two pain killers on his nightstand. If that isn't love then Fudou doesn't know what is anymore.

After Kidou finished Fudou had to clean the bathroom, but he didn't want to leave Kidou alone now. Since the man was still feeling ice cold Fudou made a bath for him so he could clean the mess and keep an eye on his boyfriend on the same time. That turned out to be more difficult than he thought. Not only has he never scrubbed a toilet before, he also had to pay a lot of attention to Kidou because he'd occasionally fall asleep in the water and Fudou had to pull him up again to prevent him from drowning.

Fudou wipes with the back of his hand over his forehead and sighs deeply. The toilet is so clean that they could drink from it if they'd want to, but he is covered in sweat, Kidou's vomit and cleaning solution. He can hear a weak chuckle coming from the direction of the bath. "You look horrible."

Fudou can't suppress a smile, hearing Kidou making fun of him again means that he's feeling a little better already. "Look who's talking, I've been cleaning your mess for a full hour!"

"I guess that makes us even."

Fudou sits on the edge of the bathtub and tugs the now better looking brunette closer to him to kiss his wet dreads. "Yeah, I guess."

"You could use a bath."

Kidou doesn't have to say that twice. In no-time Fudou undressed himself, threw all the dirty clothes in the laundry basket after a complaining moan from Kidou when he tossed them on the floor at first, and joins his boyfriend in the lukewarm water. He's sitting between Kidou's legs and the said man's arms are tightly wrapped around Fudou's torso. He can feel Kidou's lips press a soft kiss on his shoulder and Fudou lets out a content sigh while resting his head lazily against his boyfriend's chest. "This is life" He murmurs softly, and behind him he hears a contented hum as answer. Suddenly neither of them is feeling that bad anymore.

After that night Kidou's health deteriorates again. Fudou is still trying to take him out but even doing groceries becomes too exhausting for Kidou. He can't shower on his own anymore and sometimes Fudou finds him passed out on the floor. The first time he panicked and called Sakuma, yes not the alarm number but Sakuma. Sakuma was a lot of help too. He told him to check if he still felt his pulse. Fudou didn't even dare to come closer to him let alone touch his boyfriend but he overcame his fear and checked if Kidou was still breathing. Fortunately that was the case and Fudou carried him to bed. Two hours later he woke up with no memories of what he had been doing or feeling before he fainted.

From that point on he grew scared of being alone with Kidou, afraid that something would happen to him. Occasionally he'd have guests over who came to visit Kidou but they all knew that they weren't there for their sleeping friend. Sakuma and Genda did their best to distract Fudou this time and spend as much time as they could at their apartment. Fudou never actually said so but he was grateful that his friends were there for him. They do his groceries when Fudou can't leave the house, they help him clean and cook for him when Fudou doesn't feel like eating anymore. They might all share an unpleasant past together, but he can't imagine his life now without his two closest friends.

* * *

_May 14, 2018_  
_Yuuto had his second chemo, earlier than they first planned but the doctors saw too that he wasn't doing well. They say all we can do now is wait and see how Yuuto reacts to this chemo. I told to doctors about that night after his first that he felt so sick but apparently it's normal. I am not too surprised, if you'd only know what kind of crap they were pushing into his body, but it's all for his recovery._

_Yuuto's been sleeping for a long time, like seriously long. The doctors said it's normal, sleep is one of the best medications but I was worried as fuck. When our sleeping beauty woke up he asked me how long he had been gone for and I said about the 36 hours. Told him that I didn't really pay attention to it. That was a lie, I counted every minute. He slept for thirty-seven hours and twelve minutes. Of those 37 hours he was away I think I slept a mere four hours. I woke up with my head on Yuuto's hospital bed and a fresh cup of disgusting hospital coffee on the nightstand. My one-eyed friend was sitting on the other side of the bed with a laptop on his lap._

_Yuuto had only been awake for something like twenty minutes before he fell asleep again. I did something difficult after that but Sakuma convinced me to do it. I went home to shower and change while he'd watch over Yuuto. I let him promise me that he'd call me right away if something would happen but we both knew that Yuuto'd be asleep for the rest of the evening._

_The apartment is dark and empty, without Yuuto it doesn't feel like coming home. I rather spend three nights in a row on his side, sleeping in a chair next to his bed in the hospital than our own comfortable, king size bed. No-one sleeps alone in such a huge bed._

_I packed some fresh clothes for Yuuto and myself, took a shower and settled myself on the couch. Dinner's in the oven, just a few more minutes I suppose. When I finish eating I'll go back to the hospital. Sakuma gave me the order to stay home for at least two hours. It's been almost three now. I can't wait to go back, I hate it here. Ah, I hear the timer going off, finally. I'm starving._

* * *

_May 22, 2018_

Fudou is sitting next to his boyfriend on the small hospital bed, he requested a bigger bed but no-one seems to be responding to his question. Jerks. He strokes with his hand over Kidou's dreads and swallows heavily. He's holding a hand full of hair between his fingers. They cut his wavy hair three days ago but they didn't touch his dreadlocks yet, but even those are starting to fall out. Kidou's beautiful hair, how he always loved running his fingers through it. He feels Kidou move his face to look up at his boyfriend who suddenly stopped caressing his head. When his eyes fall on Fudou's shocked face and his hand a moment later he says out loud what crossed both of their minds already, but neither of them said a word about it.

"We should shave it all off."

And so they did. They received a hair trimmer from the nurse and special tools to get those dreads out. It took Fudou two and a half hour and a lot of swearing but eventually the floor was filled with Kidou's hair and his boyfriend had become a bald man. Fudou picks up the mirror from the bed. "Alright, you ready?"

His boyfriend nods and Fudou turns the mirror around. He can see the shock in Kidou's eyes but shortly after he smiles and carefully strokes with his hand over his head. "It reminds me of you." Is the only thing he can say, it must be painful for him. It's quite a confrontation, maybe Fudou should cover the mirror in Kidou's bathroom for the time being.

"Yeah," Fudou smirks, that gave him an idea. "alright, now it's my turn!" He gives Kidou his scissors and sits in front of him on the bed. "A-Akio, are you sure about this?"

"Do it before I change my mind. We'll be bald buddies." He snickers and closes his eyes when Kidou begins with combing his hair. He's halfway through when the nurse comes in to check on the lively couple. He can hear Kidou whisper something in her ear and she quickly leaves the room. "What did you tell her?"

Kidou grins at him and Fudou doesn't even need an answer anymore. He knows that face and it warms his heart, Kidou is up to something. When the nurse returns with a bulging bag full of tools he gets blindfolded. Kidou and the nurse are giggling their asses off and Fudou is growing impatient. "Oi, you are forgetting there is someone else here in the room who'd like to know what the hell is going on!" he moans, but that only makes the other two laugh harder.

It's when Fudou feels something being drawn on his head that he realises what the two of them are plotting. They finally remove his blindfold and it's just as he thought. Instead of making Fudou bald Kidou gave him his old mohawk back and the nurse drew a good looking copy of the temporary tattoo he had back in those days.

"Kidou-kun~," he grins teasingly and claps his hands together. "now this is what I'd call a touching reunion." Fudou repeats the words he used when Kidou saw his friends of Teikoku Academy again. Kidou bursts out in laughter, however on the other side of the room they hear something fall. Sakuma is standing in the doorway, his mouth open, his one eye widened and the coffee he was holding fell on the floor. They're not sure if it's Kidou without the dreads, Fudou mimicking his attitude from Shin Teikoku or both of it but it's making the two males only laugh harder. "Oi, Sakuma-kun" Fudou falls back in his role. "aren't you pleased to see me?" He runs his fingers through his short hair and sticks his tongue out to the awestruck man.

"I-I'll get someone to clean this up." He stammers and turns on his heel. The laughter of the two men follows him through the hallway. When Sakuma returns Fudou too is bald now and if it wouldn't be for the vaguely visible red mark Fudou still has on his head then he would have thought that he imagined it.

"Alright, so a woman came over to me in a club, rubbed my head and asked 'Is it true, do bald men make better lovers?' and I said 'I don't know. I haven't fucked any'." Fudou snickers and Kidou only shakes his head with a hint of a smile on his lips that's probably only visible because of Fudou's pathetic attempt to make bald man jokes than that he's actually being funny.

Suddenly the two men turn their faces to him and smirk mischievously at him. When Fudou raises the scissors he knows exactly what's coming for him. Not much later he's sitting on the edge of Kidou's bed with his back facing his two best friends. They covered his eye with a bandage for the time being because Fudou said that he couldn't promise to leave the band of his eye patch in one piece.

Sakuma takes a sip from his now cold coffee. The floor of the room is filled with different shades of brown hair locks and his pale turquoise ones. "Look at us, the bald penguin trio!" He shows Sakuma the photo he made of the three of them together. They laugh although the cleaning lady seems to be less pleased with them. Kidou fell asleep a little while ago and Sakuma is making himself ready to leave for the day too. "Won't you get cold now that you're missing your hair?"

He laughs and rubs over his bald head once more. "I'll have to get used to it for sure, and Genda will probably laugh at me, but we made an unforgettable day for him and that's worth it."

Fudou nods and gives the tanned man a warm smile. "Yeah, thanks for today. I haven't seen him smiling and laughing like that in a long time."

"You're welcome," Sakuma looks at Kidou one more time and then leaves the room. "Good night, Fudou."

* * *

_August eight, 2018_  
_Yuuto had his ups and downs. The month June was in one word awful. Again he reacted badly on his second chemo and he needed a third one around the end of June. I can't imagine that having them so soon is good for his body, but well the cancer isn't doing it for him either. He was gaunt, his usually already red eyes were completely bloodshot and he couldn't walk on his own anymore. Even for the bathroom it was wheelchair in and wheelchair out so eventually he got some kind of bottle he could pee in. Spoken of disgusting._

_But he's crawling back up little by little. He had his fourth chemo and guess what; I was allowed to take him home! We made a surprise party, well not a big one of course. Sakuma and Genda decorated the house and Endou's wife and Haruna made a delicious meal for us. We concluded from it that Haruna did most of the cooking. Demonio, who had been in contact with them via Skype all this time, visited too. That was one of the biggest surprises for Yuuto. It really felt like the good old times again with everyone together._

_Yuuto's hair is growing back slowly and I'm excited about it. I've never seen him with normal hair and around me I can hear speculations of how it's supposed to look like. Haruna is not spitting a word and since everything got lost from their childhood we can't check old pictures either. It's not just his hair that's growing back, he's gaining weight and he's getting a bit more of colour on his face. I'm taking him outside as much as possible. I've been rolling him around in his pimped wheelchair a lot. We sound like a bunch of seniors now but Yuuto enjoys going to the park with me the most. We watch others and make fun of them, sometimes we practice walking together too. I'm planning to take him to the pool soon, the doctor gave us advice that the easier way to learn how to walk again is in the water._

_But this is the best part, today I took him to a match. Inazuma Japan versus Australia. We had the best seats we could get, Chairman Gouenji made sure of that, but the biggest surprise was when the players walked up the field. Everyone shaved their heads for Yuuto!_

_So not only Sakuma's long locks were missing, but Kazemaru and Midorikawa's (falling in for me and Sakuma was placed on Kidou's place and Tobitaka came in as new defender) were too! Gouenji has tried several hairstyles over the years but I must say that even those awful green hair locks he had as Holy Emperor suited him better than this. Endou looked simply ridiculous with his orange hair band without hair and the others didn't look that much better. Especially Kabeyama, I never want to see that again. Some of our biggest fans in the crowd shaved their heads for this match too. It was downright very touching and I could see the tears burning behind Yuuto's eyes. I think he had the time of his life._

_During the match we ranted about how much better we were together than the whole playing team, that they missed Yuuto's strategies and our smooth plays together. The look on his face showed how much he misses playing and I feel the same way. I promised him that in a year we'd be back on the field together. Maybe not playing matches yet, but we'll be practicing and kicking the ball. I'm already looking forward to it; I can't wait till this period of our lives is over._

* * *

**When I wrote my planning for this chapter last summer the hair losing/ cutting was supposed to be something sad, but while I was writing it I wasn't in the mood to make it something depressing and I wanted them to enjoy their time together. I like how it turned out for them and I hope you can share that opinion with me! Next chapter is all done too, see you soon! **


	5. Chapter 4

**Merry Christmas to all my lovely readers! My late present to you is a new chapter!  
Thank you all for your kind reviews all the motivation I'm gaining when I'm reading those.**

**To Pat Fifty Storms: I'm sorry I can't send you a private message since you're a guest but your review touched me and I'm really sorry if it's getting too close for you. I understand if you'd prefer to stop reading. I'm so sorry for your loss.**

**For the other readers: please enjoy!  
**

* * *

_December fifth, 2018_

Nothing but good news followed the next months. Kidou got officially discharged from hospital and what's even better is that the doctors say that he's cured. Kidou is one of those cancer survivors. The both of them started to get involved with young victims of cancer. It began with supporting them even more with money but later the men got involved with doing things with the kids too. They'd arrange soccer matches in wheelchairs so even the sicker ones were able to play. Of course Kidou still has to gain weight and strength but it's looking good for the young couple.

The apartment they were living in was a little too small for Kidou's taste all of the sudden, although they presumed it were the bad memories that made him want to leave. Now, a full month later; they received the key of their new home.

"It's sure big here!" Fudou's voice echoes through the still empty room. "Look at that garden Yuuto; we'd be able to practice here with our whole team and the opposing one!" He runs enthusiastically through their new mansion. He stops in the middle of the living room and spreads his arms. "All the space, what are we gonna do with it?" He sighs dreamily. When he looks at his partner he sees him grin and he realises that it's quite out of character for him to react like this. He mutters something about Kidou being a jerk and sits crossed legged on the floor.

Kidou joins him on the floor and wraps his arm around the brunette, who gets a bottle of champagne and two plastic cups out of his bag. "You brought that with you?"

"To celebrate a new part of our lives together!" He grins and opens the bottle. "It contains no alcohol, don't worry." He winks as he gives his partner a glass. "A toast, to us and our new house!"

"A new place, a new life, from now on things will only get better for us." Kidou smiles lovingly and takes a sip of his champagne. "God, this tastes awful." Fudou complains. "It's not that bad," Kidou replies, but his face says something completely different as he quickly puts his glass down. "What you said about what we're going to do with all the space. I actually made a plan already. Would you like to hear it?"

"Heh?" Fudou grins as Kidou pulls the blueprints out of his blazer. "Prepared this much already? You can never sit still, can you? Show me whatcha got, Kidou-kun."

Kidou spreads the blueprints over the empty floor. "We'll use this floor for the kitchen, living room and a small bathroom. The second floor will consist of our master bedroom with a walk-in closet, a huge bathroom with enough space for the both of us when we're bathing together, my home office and we'll have some other rooms to fill. It's your decision. The third floor will be for our guests and will have a private kitchen for them too. The basement will be used for storage, the laundry room and our own gym. And last but not least, we'll have a pool."

"You really figured it all out already, huh?" Fudou snickers and presses himself tighter against his boyfriend. "It's what I've been dreaming of." The other man confesses and presses a soft kiss on Fudou's forehead. Fudou puts his glass down too and sits up to kiss Kidou on the lips. Soon they are embroiled in a deep kiss. Fudou's hands on Kidou's cheeks, his shoulders, to his chest and he slowly starts to unbutton his shirt. They're both already half naked by the time Fudou gets back to his senses and gently pushes the other away from him to free his lips. "Are you sure about this?" He mutters, even though he's horny his concern about Kidou's health is much stronger.

"You're not stopping me now." Is his cheerful reply and a soft kiss on the height of Fudou's collarbone follows. "Alright," the brunette growls. "but I'll top."

"You'll have to make me." Kidou hisses before he silences Fudou with another passionate kiss.

* * *

They had their first time in almost a year that night, on the cold floor of their new house. It had been a rough but satisfying battle for dominance. They decorated the room with their clothes and a half empty bottle of cheap champagne. Beneath him, Fudou can feel Kidou shift. "Remind me to add underfloor heating to my list of ideas." He grunts.

"Will do." Fudou rests his head on Kidou's chest and closes his eyes. The calming sound of Kidou's heartbeat reaches his ears. Like this, with Kidou's arms wrapped around his waist, he wishes that they could be like this forever.

* * *

_December 27, 2018  
All we've been doing is decorate our new house together. We helped cleaning, painting, moving and make everything ready together. Well, I was cleaning and Kidou sat there watching me. I won't allow him to do much more than thinking and sometimes help me move the ladder. He's worn out pretty easily so he didn't object. He too understands that if he truly wants to get better that rest is important. It's nice spending time together like this. We sing along with music from the radio, reminisce about the past and discuss our future plans.  
One of the things left to do is finishing our private pool, but since it's December and we won't be swimming any time soon we decided that it can wait till somewhere in the new year. I definitely want it to be ready before the summer starts so we can have pool parties and all once the temperature starts to rise._

_Our master bedroom is finished and our old apartment is sold so we officially moved in around Christmas. Our Christmas eve was us making love in our new bed. Romantic, eh?_  
_When everything is ready we'll throw a house warming party. This time we'll have enough space to invite everyone over in our own house. I still can't believe this is happening. When the new year begins it will be the start of our brand new life too. It'll be a new year with new chances for us._

* * *

_January third, 2019  
We enjoyed six nights in our new bed together. It was the first day of the new year that I saw my boyfriend collapse in the middle of the living room. Any other day I would have brought him to bed but somehow I didn't. Something changed my mind. I called an ambulance and we went back to the hospital. The place I thought we were finally released from.  
His health is rapidly decreasing. He's losing all of the weight he gained and that little sparkle in those beautiful crimson eyes of his completely vanished again. It's like I'm talking to a zombie. He sleeps, eats, throws everything he ate out again and goes back to sleep. They're feeding him through a drip now so he gets some nutrients at least. The cheerful Yuuto who decorated the house with me is unrecognisable. It's like those weeks of happiness never even took place at all._

_January 14, 2019_  
_Today we heard that a new chemo won't change anything about Yuuto's condition. He is getting morphine to limit the pain he's feeling but that's all the doctors can do for him. Yuuto's body turned against the medication and is attacking its own organs. They say that soon all of his organs will stop working, and once they do it's only a matter of time before it reaches the most important organ in the body. Yuuto's heart._

_Today I made my decision too. I left Yuuto in Sakuma's hands for a while and did some shopping. A new suit, a bouquet of roses and a ring. I've been working on the words I wanted to say for days but I forgot them all once I entered the room and saw my boyfriend fighting for his life. I crouched next to him and held his hand tightly in mine. I told him how strong he is, how proud I am of him, how much I love him. Everything about him. His smile, his eyes, his expensive taste for almost everything, but especially his kindness. How lucky I am to have a man like him in my life and how I never want to lose him. I asked him one favour; to never give up fighting. Never give up fighting for everything that we have been through and for everything that is to come. Because I want him by my side for much longer than this. I want to grow old with this man and I even asked God grant me this one wish I have. To get married to Kidou Yuuto._

Fudou rubs over his cheeks, tears are falling on the pages as he's writing the words down. Those are the first tears he ever shed about their situation together and he hopes they'll be the last ones. Together with Sakuma he has been calling doctors all over the world, money doesn't play a role, as long as he can save his boyfriend. Maybe they can help him with one more miracle. He smiles though his tears when his eye falls on the shining piece of jewellery around his finger.

_Almost forgot the most important thing: he said yes._

* * *

_January 18, 2019  
_  
"We are here today to celebrate the marriage of Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio. On their behalf I would like to welcome you all. I'm sure it means a great deal to them that you can be here to share in their happiness on this occasion.

This place in which we are now met has been duly sanctioned, according to law, for the celebration of marriages. You are here to witness the joining in matrimony of Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio. If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, he or she should declare it now."_  
_ _  
_Fudou squeezes nervously in his partner's hand. When Demonio heard of their engagement he told the couple that he has a friend who would be willing to marry them. It would cost quite a sum of money, but they were prepared to pay any price for their wedding. Since it would be held in the hospital and with just their family and their closest friends the costs of the whole ceremony were available to spend on this expensive looking man instead. Fudou wants to make a comment about how _long_ this is all taking and how _slowly_ this man is speaking, but Kidou gives him a look before he can even open his mouth.

"Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio, before you are joined in matrimony I have to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make. 'Marriage, according to the law of my country is the union of two people, voluntarily entered into for life, to the exclusion of all others'."

The man continues in English with a thick, Italian accent. English had never been Fudou's favourite subject and honestly, most of the time he has no idea what that man is saying. _Hell_, he could be reading a menu card and he'd still have no clue, but Kidou insisted on doing things the original way and Fudou simply agreed to it. Anything for his partner.

"The purpose of marriage is that you may always love, care for and support each other through all the joys and sorrows of life. It is a partnership in which two people can pledge their love and commitment to each other; a solemn union providing love, friendship, help and comfort to you both through your life together." _  
_  
Of course, that's obvious. The whole purpose of this fucking thing is that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. He feels Kidou squeeze in his hand and it draws him back to what matters now. His fiancé looks stunning in his expensive _Armani _suit, and he must say that he himself is looking devilishly handsome as well. The room is filled with short haired and on the edge of crying guests. Sakuma as his best man, and Haruna as Kidou's maid of honour in a beautiful light blue dress. Endou, wearing his headband like always, looks good too. Neither of them objected against him keeping it on, that's how they know their captain. Natsumi, on the other hand was less pleased with the men's decision, but it's their wedding day. They already had their chance. The other three men in the room are Demonio, Gouenji and Genda. All of them have always supported the couple, through their good times and bad times. Their way to thank all of them is to invite them to their small wedding, in Kidou's hospital room. Aren't they generous? They'll make sure to repay them properly some day, but for now all their money went to the sick children, their new house, the doctor Fudou hasn't told Kidou about yet, and their wedding.

"My dear Akio, you've been by my side during our good times and our far worst times. It was also you who caused most of my bad times in my childhood," Kidou chuckles softly. "but also the best memories are with you. Meeting you has changed my life and that's mainly because we never seemed to agree on anything. Your ways of doing things are completely different and I had to get used to your directness and rude behaviour, but as the years passed by and I got to know you better and better I came to realise how much we actually have in common. It's not just our plays on the flied that are connecting, it's outside of it too. You make my life complete."

Fudou found it difficult to look his partner in the eye during his speech, he's not used to getting complimented. Especially not this much and certainly not coming from Kidou who always keeps his feelings to himself. He must admit that he kind of likes hearing these words out loud.

"Yeah, no way that I am gonna top that." He smirks. "I'm the most awesome one of us both." Everyone in the room laughs and Sakuma shoots him a playful glare. "Alright, but seriously now. Yuuto, I already told you how much I love you and what I think of you when I asked you to marry me so I'm skipping that. I'm not gonna focus on how our past brought us together, 'specially since I was kinda a brat back then, but I want you to know what I can offer you for our future." He could swear that Kidou's expression changed for a brief moment but he doesn't pay too much attention to it and continues. "I promise you that I'll support you and that I'll be the best damn husband you could ever wish for. Now I _can't_ promise you that I'll put my dirty clothes in the laundry instead of under the bed, I can't promise you that I'll clean my mess nor that I'll stay out of your office while you're working on something, but I can tell you one thing. I'll always love you and will never leave your side."

"Come here," Kidou smiles through his upcoming tears and draws his fiancé closer to him.

"Ho, ho! No kiss yet! I have to finish first!"

Everyone in the room laughs and Fudou growls, his impatience is amusing. "Hurry up then!"

"Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio, you have both made the declarations prescribed by law and have made your promises to one another in the presence of your witnesses here today. Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio, it gives me great pleasure to declare that you are now legally married."

"I can finally kiss my bride." Fudou smirks and presses his lips against Kidou's. Their first kiss as a married couple and Fudou feels like he can beat the whole goddamn world, as long as Kidou is by his side.

* * *

It's been a few hours since they got married, when it passed midnight Fudou joked that their first day as a married couple was about to start and in six hours they'd have their first fight.

Everyone congratulated them and even some doctors, nurses and other patients visited them to let the newlywed couple know how happy they are for them. Their guests all left and that's better, because Kidou didn't look too well. He seemed so happy today that Fudou almost forgot that he's life threatening sick. _Almost_.

Fudou buries his face against his husband's chest, husband- that sounds good, and lets out a content purr. "Did you choose a location for our honeymoon yet?" He chuckles.

Kidou smiles a little and pulls away so he can look Fudou in the eye. "Akio..." he murmurs.

Fudou's eyes widen after hearing his name like that. "I don't like the way you said that nor the look in your eyes. Spit it, what's going on?" An unpleasant feeling takes over and he can feel that his hands are shaking. Is this _fear_ he's feeling? He has never been this scared before.

"Jirou is still here. I want you to go home with him today."

"Eh, what? Why? Yuuto!" He clutches the man's hospital clothing in his hands. "D-Don't be silly. I'm staying!" Fear, this is definitely fear he's feeling. The feeling of panic is taking over his body.

"Akio please, just listen to me. Alright? Today...," Fudou can see that his husband is having trouble with speaking, his voice sounds weak and even though he's smiling; Fudou can feel how extremely exhausted he is. Kidou removes Fudou's hand from his shirt and holds it in his. With his thumb he brushes lovingly over Fudou's fingers. "today is the best day I have ever had. I told you before but I was so surprised when you asked me to marry you. I never expected Fudou Akio to go down on one knee for me."

"Kidou Akio." He corrects him softly. Kidou smiles lovingly at the shorter man. "Of course, Kidou Akio you are now." He presses a soft kiss on his husband's hand. "You made me the happiest man alive today, but... it's also my last day here with you."

Fudou freezes, he's barely hearing what Kidou is telling him. Thousands of scenarios went through his mind today, all the things that could have gone wrong, but this wasn't one of them. The thought of not being together anymore was too painful for Fudou to think about. How naive he had been, when he married Kidou he truly thought that nothing would be able to keep them apart anymore.

"My sister, Jirou and I, we already said good bye this morning when you were making preparations for our wedding. I'm sorry, Akio, but my days with you have come to an end."

"N-No..." Tears are streaming down over Fudou's cheeks and he squeezes his husband's hand tighter in his. "you're lying! Tell me that you're lying!" He yells.

"Shh..." He can hear Kidou's voice break before he brushes his lips over Fudou's. The kiss tastes a little salty because of both of their tears, but it doesn't make it less pleasant. Fudou is desperately holding on to his husband. He caresses the man's cheeks with his hands and kisses him over and over again. "I love you, I love you..." He whispers against the sick man's lips. Why hasn't he said this more often- why hasn't he shared his feelings with his lover more? There is still so much that Kidou doesn't know and Fudou has to tell him. Their days can't be ending, it's not supposed to go like this. "I love you too, Akio."

Kidou sits up and switches the monitors next to his bed off so it won't alert the nurses right away and they'll have a little more time together. "I don't have enough words to tell you how much I do. Every time I look at you, it still gives me butterflies in my stomach and you make me nervous. Your beautiful, green eyes, your mischievous grin and your kind smile..." Kidou has to pause because the coughing is taking over him and it's difficult for him to speak this much. "When I am up there, watching over you, I'd like to see you smile, to see you enjoy every minute of your life while you can. I know that it might sound unrealistic now, but you are so strong, you proved that this year. Even if you think that I am not there, look up at the sky and remember that I'll be with you. Don't think I will let you down just because my body gave up. I will always be with you in your heart. Forever."

Kidou's words are sounding softer and softer while he's speaking. He pulls Fudou on top of him with the last of strength that he has and gives him one last kiss, one the other male eagerly responds to. Then he closes his eyes and repeats the most important words to him softly: "I love you." He squeezes in Fudou's hand but it becomes weaker and weaker, the sound of Kidou's heartbeat Fudou always loved so much becomes slower and softer, and then eventually he stops breathing. He is still holding Fudou's hand with a smile on his face and suddenly it becomes awfully quiet in the room.

Fudou had been silent all this time. He let Kidou speak but just now his words are reaching him, and they are hitting him hard; like he is only realising now what his husband was trying to say. When he finally finds his voice again the only noises that are leaving his throat are loud, wrenching cries for his husband. He's clinging on Kidou's body like it could be taken away from him any moment just like his husband himself just did. The crying and screaming becomes more painful every passing minute, and for a long time his life appears to be standing still.

Outside Sakuma is watching the scene in horror. Several doctors and nurses are rushing towards the hospital room. Earlier today they arranged with the staff that Kidou would be allowed to switch everything off so he could have a peaceful moment with his husband. They had decreased his dose of morphine he was getting slowly during the day and they stopped all the other medications too. He'd have a few more hours after the wedding took place, but longer than that was precluded. Sakuma was quite impressed that he'd been holding up this long, fighting against the pain, but he realises that it must have been worth it to see his husband smile and have his final moments with him.

The aggressively battling against the nurses brunette gets dragged by his arms out of the room, screaming his partner's name like a toddler crying for his mother on the first day of school. "NO! Yuuto! What are you doing to my husband?! Let go of me you—" ...those last words should probably not get repeated.

They had to force him into the room next to Kidou's because trying to take any step further than that with a dangerously aggressive man is a hopeless mission. They had to tie him up to the bed and they gave him an injection to calm him down. There was no other way to do it.

Now, hours later, Sakuma has been sitting next to his bed, arranging things for the funeral and informing friends and family about what happened earlier this morning. He smiles a little; the only family he had were his sister and Fudou, now. His adoption father passed away around the time Kidou turned twenty. It had been sudden and Kidou didn't take it that well. He lost his parents, his adoption father and the man who was a father figure to him despite the things he did in the past; their old Commander. His gaze falls on the man in the bed. They both lost people dear to them over the years, but they always had each other. Two years before Kidou's father passed away Fudou had lost his mother. Suicide. It was tragic. It took all they got to get the brunette back on his feet, his mother had been his everything.

One day he came home to the sight of his mother, passed out in the kitchen, with deep, bleeding cuts carved into her wrists. He had called the alarm number but they didn't arrive in time. Fudou's mother passed away in his arms. Today the same happened to him again; someone he held dear was taken from him and even though he was holding them and there was nothing he could change about it.

Sakuma puts his hand on Fudou's. They asked his opinion about freeing his wrists and Sakuma had given them the advice to keep him like this a little longer. There is no saying about how he'll wake up. Honestly, Sakuma is fearing the moment of his awakening. When his memories return he might freak out again, Sakuma is scared that Fudou might end up hurting himself. Kidou was everything he had left, there is nothing here he could or would stay for.

He sighs deeply. He's the only one thinking rational enough to be doing this for all of them right now; planning the funeral is not something Fudou would be capable of doing and it has to be done fast. There is so much to think about; who should be invited for example. His family and close friends or their old teams too? His students, should they get involved? He can feel the tears stream down over his cheeks and they're are falling on his hands and keyboard. It's unthinkable that his Commander passed away, at such a young age too. How is he going to explain this to the member of Teikoku's soccer team? Especially Miyabino was very fond of him. Sakuma lost one of his best friends today, even though he's making preparations for the man's funeral, somehow he's still in denial. Any moment Kidou could walk in to tell him to get back to work. How much he had disliked his best friend commanding him like that sometimes at first; how much he's missing it already at this moment. Now that everyone is mourning he has to be strong. Maybe in a few days he will be able to let it hit him, and he might cry like Fudou did. Sakuma wipes over his tears, that's enough for now; he has more work to do. The next thing on his list might be finding a therapist for the young widower.

* * *

**A side note: I want to thank my lovely otouto _LilMarJon. _December 19, 2012 we roleplayed Kidou's death scene, although back then it were Fudou and Sakuma together, and Sakuma was the one passing away. I took printscreens of our roleplay and kept this for over two years. I changed a lot but the idea for the whole story came from this so a huge thanks to him. He still hasn't started with the first chapter yet due lack of time but I hope he'll read this some day and when you reach here: thank you so much for all your support (although you just laughed at me on skype for even keeping those printscreens).**

**Thank you all for reading! The next chapter is almost done so I hope to see you soon. **


	6. Chapter 5

**Hello dear readers, I'm back after that heartbreaking chapter.**

**Thank you all for your cries and how much you cursed and threatened me, it really warmed my heart and I'm so thankful for your awful reviews.**  
**Okay seriously, I am so happy you all are still coping with me after what I've done my loyal readers.**

**I want to point out one mistake I made: the prologue starts in June 14, 2019. I wrote that somewhere last summer and I realised later that it's kind of unrealistic. The date will be changed once I figure out when it will take place!**

**I had a whole week off and I started just yesterday with writing again thanks to the last review from Ygrec, you're wonderful.**

**I'm not sorry for destroying your feelings and breaking you all apart, I know you still love it but I do owe you all big time if you're still reading!**  
**We're near to the last chapter! I believe I said that before- anyway, this one was getting really long and I want to reward you so I split it and have the first half already.**

**I'm looking forward to your reviews, thank you so much for reading.**

**Angel**

* * *

_August thirteen, 2019_

_It's been almost six months since Kidou's death. I found this diary tightly pressed against Fudou's chest a few days after it. I suppose he kept it with him all this time. I didn't read anything but I assume there is a lot written about their memories together and I didn't think of it as safe for Fudou to have it in his possession for now, rereading their good and bad times together is a confrontation Fudou isn't supposed to face yet. – It's Sakuma Jirou, by the way. I am taking this over for a while because if there comes a day that Fudou is going to read this all back, he should know about what happened after too. _

_That day, January 19, I took Fudou home with me. He woke up somewhere in the afternoon but just as I predicted; he completely lost it. It was awful to watch but my decision to leave him tied up to the hospital bed had been a right one. When he woke up and saw me the first thing he asked for was his husband. I couldn't reply him. He asked me again, his eyes started to grow. "Where is Yuuto?" Then he started to scream, cry for help and struggle again, seeing me by his side and my silence were a confirmation; it hadn't been just a bad dream. They had to get him to his senses, at some point I feared that they would hit him knock out to get him to stop yelling but eventually a nurse arrived and they had him calm in less than a minute after the second injection. He fell into a deep sleep again for five hours. In the meantime doctors walked in and out and I don't know what they did to him, but when he woke up he was meek as a lamb. That's all he was too; Fudou looked like a zombie. Bloodshot eyes and he refused to speak. The person next to me in the car was a complete different person from the Fudou that I got to know the past years. _

_We made room for him in our apartment so both of us can keep an eye on him. Until now the only things he does are eat and sleep, and believe me when I say that's already a huge improvement. He refused to eat for two full weeks; he lost so much weight that he might have been thinner than Kidou. Occasionally he'd ask for his husband, wondering why he isn't coming to take him home. He'd scream and yell at us, smashing the plates with food we brought onto the floor. He'd tell us that we're liars and we are trying to keep them apart. What hurt me most is that he accused me of being jealous of their relationship, that I'm keeping Kidou away from him on purpose because he never saw me as more than a friend, right in front of my partner. But we could not blame him, he was in denial of his husband's death and his reaction is something what you could call natural. Our worries grew with the passing days, he was thin and as white as our sheets used to be. We concluded that one of us had to say it. The bringer of bad news had to be me, of course. _

_The room he stays in is mostly dark, the curtains tightly shut and Fudou buried underneath the sheets. He was wide awake I noticed when I came closer; he often is. He can stare at the ceiling for hours and not move a finger. The doctor gave him special medication so he'd be able to control his emotions, or as we call it; suppress all of it. He has no energy and no appetite, he doesn't speak and he only leaves the bed for the bathroom. He does need to use that because we make sure to keep him hydrated. Our guest room turned into a dark, bad smelling carven. _

_I sat on the edge of his bed and tried to get in contact with him, I wasn't sure if he was listening but after some innocent chitchat I finally had the guts to tell him that if he'd continue like this we'd have to bring him to the hospital. That did the trick apparently. His eyes widened when I took the word 'hospital' in my mouth. _

_Around the end of March things seemed to get better for him but I suppose it were mostly the medications we were still giving him speaking. We were allowed to bring him meals upstairs, we kept him company and I even got him to shower two times. That was a huge relief for the both of us because he started to smell worse than Genda's goalkeeper gloves after spending more than two months in that bed. While he was showering I changed the sheets, I am not even going to describe how those smelled. After that week he made a major step; when we woke up he was sitting in the kitchen eating cornflakes for breakfast. It was a miracle, now that he had taken the firsts steps to recovery himself; we thought that we might were able to convince him to go in therapy. _

_Believe it or not; getting him to see that therapist was easier than we thought. We casually discussed it and showed him a brochure. He said something like "whatever" and we took it as a yes. He wasn't protesting whenever we helped him get dressed and brought him to the building._

_Somewhere in May Fudou was walking around the house again but he didn't do much on a day. For example: whenever we bring up cooking he gets reminded of Kidou. Everything reminds him of Kidou and it's still too painful for him to face daily activities. Although we all already had our time to mourn about our old friend and we started picking up our lives again slowly and surly; Fudou's process had just started._

_I've spoken to the therapist he started seeing and he told us he's making a little progress and that the mourning stadia is almost over. Sooner or later Fudou will reach a point that he'll be able to pick his life up again. That's what Kidou would have wanted too, but sometimes I fear we're all thinking to simple about this. We don't know what's going on in that mind of his and while he is still taking those pills to calm him and suppress his emotions; I don't think anything actually started yet, but suggesting to stop taking them is not something I dare to do. It might hit him as hard as it did on the day of Kidou's death and we'd be back where we started. The therapist knows what he's doing and he'll inform us about the right things to do with him._

_Fudou didn't attend the funeral, it took place three days after Kidou's death. It was beautiful nonetheless. The moment they let him sink into the ground had been just for his friends and family, the ceremony after was a huge event. Friends, old teammates and opponents, previous enemies and students, from all around the world. It warmed my heart to see how many people cared for Kidou. Miyabino was inconsolable, he stayed by my side most of the day, and his close friend and teammate Ryuuzaki. The other old and new Teikoku members were less emotional. I suppose that is something among the line of the 'Teikoku spirit'. Henmi Wataru approached us and we spoke awhile about how well Kidou had been has captain and how fast and sudden his death was. Most of the former Shin Teikoku members were more interested in their old captain's condition and how he has been coping with the loss. What was there to say? He is downright miserable and he hasn't left the bed ever since we took him in? I just said he wasn't doing well as expected of someone who had just lost his partner but he'd get over it. Don't worry Fudou, your pride and reputation are unharmed (if you still care about that), I think..._

_Ah, your ex-girlfriend seemed rather interested in your condition too, and so 'willing to help', she suggested that you Fudou could stay with her. Unbelievable, she didn't get involved when he was in a relationship and we never heard a word from her when Kidou got diagnosed with cancer but as soon as Shin Teikoku's_

_hero is single again she appears out of nowhere to take care of him. I kindly rebuffed her suggestions and after I turned down her other kind ideas such as coming over to 'distract' him she left the ceremony. It's better that she did, that day was about Kidou and not Shin Teikoku's leader._

_Spoken of a leader. I suppose I should write this down too: Kageyama suddenly made his appearance. Gouenji had informed us before but due the circumstances we decided not to bother the couple with our old Commander. He had been watching Kidou in the shadows as soon as he was awoken. Apparently he even watched the whole funeral from afar. I heard from him that he rather wanted to let Kidou pass away with the thought of him dead than storming in and turn his life upside down again. For once I agreed with him: who knows what his return would have done to Kidou._

_I don't think Fudou is ready yet to get confronted with Kageyama being alive either. Even __I think of it as unreasonably and unfair. Why is a that man alive after everything he has done and a good man like Kidou is not with them anymore? I know he made up for all this crimes and he turned out to be a 'good man' but I can't smother this thought, and if I can't then I fear for Fudou's reaction. Seeing him in the state he is in now doesn't seem like a sensible idea to us._

_Firstly I am going to take him to the grave with me when he's ready. For now we'll focus on his recovery._

* * *

_November seventeen, 2019_

It's getting colder outside. The leaves are losing their bright, green colour and are starting to fall; covering the path with rotten, crispy leaves. Fudou is walking a few meters behind Sakuma. He's wearing a dark, oversized hoodie with grayish trousers. His hands are deeply buried in his pockets and every time he breathes a little cloud of condense is visible. Sakuma tried his best to convince him to wear a coat – or a pair of gloves at the far least, but he wouldn't listen to his friend.

Sakuma's hair is longer than how he wore it during the time in Shin Teikoku but hasn't reached the length he used to have it on yet. It took him years to get his hair that long and well maintained. Sakuma himself had been cutting Fudou's hair for him. They are keeping it short because the motivation to get Fudou to shower is hard to create, that's why they chose to keep his hair as short as possible.

After a while the man stops walking and lets the brunette catch up with him. "We're almost there." He breaks the silence between them. Fudou just nods and ducks his head down again, shutting himself out from further interaction. Sakuma gets the message and continues over the path he has walked down on countless times before. Unlike Fudou, he regularly visits his friend's grave. It helps him clear his mind but he also feels responsible for maintaining the grave together with Kidou's sister. They promised they'd take turns but Sakuma visits more often than just once a month. Being alone with his friend is something he could only achieve during office hours. He often envied Fudou, even though Sakuma had been Kidou's friend for many years before the two of them even met; he easily got replaced. Yes, he wasn't chosen for the team and joined them after the Asia preliminaries to replace Midorikawa who got injured, it's true that he isn't a genius nor an outstanding strategist and that the two of them play better than Sakuma has ever seen Kidou play in both Teikoku and Raimon but he was always next to his best friend and captain. It was only natural for him to follow him to Teikoku academy. Kidou as their Commander and Sakuma as trainer. Maybe he wasn't always as _next _ to Kidou as he thought he was, seen as an assistant rather than an equal. Unlike Fudou, who made it to the co-captain together with Kidou in high school, and even more important: he found a way to Kidou's heart.

He sighs deeply, watching his friend stand in front of his partner's grave from a distance. It would be unfair and extremely childish to feel jealous now; he wouldn't want to stand in Fudou's shoes and endure the pain he is dealing with. He loved Kidou, as his captain, as his commander and his friend but he'll never know how it feels to love him as his partner.

Sakuma rises from the bench he's sitting on when Fudou approaches him again. "That was a rather short visit." Fudou shrugs nonchalantly. "Stones don't talk back, speaking from years of experience." Sakuma is surprised that he actually answered, he hardly speaks to them when they ask him something. He smiles a little to himself, deep down he missed his blunt comments. The tanned man turns his face to the grave, the flowers they put there the week before are shattered and the leaves are spread over the ground and he knows it's not the wind that brought this much damage to those flowers. Apparently it's doing more to Fudou than he'd like to admit, but he might have a point. You don't have to visit a symbolic stone to remember the person who it is standing for. Someone who already lost this much before is understandably not interested in visiting another grave. Sakuma will clean the mess and bring new flowers later; for the people who find it comforting to visit and do need a reminder to think of their old friend.

"I wanna move out."

Sakuma abruptly stops with walking. "Move out?" He asks, concern is mixed with a slight hint of curiosity in his voice. "Back to the mansion?" The brunette shakes his head. "I'll buy a new apartment to live in for the time being. I wanna start small, y'know, getting back on my feet first. Living on my own, I've been a bother to you and Genda for long enough now and I can't keep living on your hospitality."

Sakuma wants to object, even though Fudou was a hand full of work; they never thought of him as bothersome. Thinking about it, it might be nice to have the apartment just for them again, but this soon? He'll have to discuss this with Genda— and the therapist. "I know whatcha thinking, don't bother. Besides, it might be the only thing me and that man agree on."

He turns around, hands on his hips and Sakuma sees the old Fudou again, for the first time in months. His eyes and body posture are strong and confident, his eyes sharp and he's almost smirking triumphantly, as if he knows what his friend is thinking. Fudou is absolutely certain about his decision and Sakuma can't help but say yes now. "It's settled then, I'm moving out."

* * *

_December twelve, 2019_

Fudou found a new apartment, faster than they expected too. They had never seen Fudou this motivated about anything before and especially not after Kidou's death; he hadn't been motivated to do anything. He found a small apartment on the other side of town, and they suspect that it's as far possible from his friends so he can be alone. They all decided to let him be for a while, except for Sakuma; he's more worried about his friend than he'd ever admit. He still has mixed feelings about Fudou moving out, but try explaining your thoughts to a stubborn adult. After his loss many broke contact with Fudou, they might just have been friends for Kidou and are abandoning him now, although on the other hand; Fudou himself hasn't bothered to contact his friends either. He's been living all alone and he seems to be pretty damn fine with it.

When he settled in his new apartment he started coaching again too, he was very welcomed by the Resistance Japan team and Sakuma gladly kept the deal of Fudou and his team practising on the Teikoku field; this way he good still keep an eye on the widower without coming off too much as being over protective.

This started out as fine, he was really dedicated to it too. He was more often at the field than at home, he came up with new strategies and pulled a few all nighters even, but in the first week of January Sakuma started to get complaints from parents and students. Since Fudou does not have an office nor email address they could write to; the complaints were put on Sakuma's desk. The coach of Resistance Japan is showing some serious inappropriate behaviour according to what he read. He tends to skip out a lot, he gives them orders for the day's practice and sits back on the bench as they complete their training routines, or even worse; he doesn't show up at all. When he _is_ present he yells at them as if they are requites for the army and won't let them rest nor drink water in between during their two hour long practices, and not to mention the language he uses in front of his team is unacceptable. The students describe him as a dictator and are threatening to quit the team if his behaviour towards them does not change or they won't get a new coach. It's about time that Sakuma pays a visit during their practice hours to take height of the situation for himself too before he even considers firing Fudou.

He finds Fudou sitting on the bench of the dugout, arms crossed and watching over his students in his old tracksuit that was once white when he started coaching, but now looks like it belongs to a homeless man, and it are not only Fudou's clothes that remind him of a vagabond. Sakuma's eye trails towards the students who appear to be almost running for their lives after Fudou gives a new order. The team consists of strong individuals who are not afraid to open their mouth, so what's making them obey their coach without a word? He doubts it's respect, so it must be fear. What is that man doing to those kids? He quickly pushes that thought away, he first has to discuss these matters with Fudou before he comes to conclusions.

"That's it!" Namikawa Rensuke, former captain of Kaiou Gakuen, abruptly stops running and turns his face towards his coach. "This is bullshit, I'm done with it. Go find someone else to order around." With his hands on his hips he looks around over the field to meet the eyes of his teammates who all stopped in their tracks too, when he makes contact with his captain he gives him an encouraging nod. "Isn't there anything you wanted to say, Hakuryuu?"

All the faces turn to Resistance Japan's captain who hesitantly approaches the man he once admired. Fudou Akio, Inazuma Japan's Joker, the aloof and rebellious player who liked to use his skills to toy with rivals on the pitch. Hakuryuu was on the edge of quitting, in spite of his skills he did not get chosen for New Inazuma Japan. Tsurugi Kyousuke, his best friend and rival would play for the both of them, but how could that ever be enough? A bunch of amateurish losers who never played soccer before got chosen over him. He wasn't the only one who felt like that, more captain's and other talented players were devastated but even more, they were furious. That's why they all took this chance, when Fudou Akio approached them on that field and told them about their plans they didn't have to think long; they would take back what's theirs and teach those new players a lesson, and like that Resistance Japan was born.

Now he is approaching that same man who gave them this chance over a year ago. They accepted his absence and supported their coach during the tough period of his life. They sat together as a team and would make him proud but they never expected that his return would have this much effect on the team. They had no idea what the loss of his partner would do to him as a person. What he is about to do is for the sake of the team, but they all share this nagging feeling; the feeling that they're betraying him.

"Yeah, Hakuryuu, isn't there something you want to say?" Fudou repeats Namikawa words, his brow crooked in amusement. Hakuryuu sees a flash of their old coach; the man who used to challenge them and he realises that this is not just for the team. Fudou Akio needs to get reminded of who he is.

"We discussed this with the whole team and we came to a unanimous decision, either you stop treating us as slaves or we all quit." The Resistance Japan coach didn't even flinch and Hakuryuu continues. "Your expectations are unrealistic, your training menus are far above not only our but any team's capabilities and we are entitled to have a break every hour at least. We don't care if your team used to practice in cruel circumstances under the lead of Kageyama Reiji but this is not how Resistance Japan functions."

Fudou had been listening quietly the whole time, one eye closed and his arms spread out over the back of the bench. He sighs deeply and rises from his seat. "And that's how 'ya all think 'bout it?"

Hakuryuu nods, surrounded by his teammates to support him. "You've changed, coach, and not in a good way." Minamisawa comments. "Even Kidou-san's practice was easier from what I heard from Kurama. You are more a slave-driver than a coach, we hardly practice for matches too. It's just you projecting your anger on us."

The silence that follows is inconceivably, their coach is staring at them with green, piercing eyes full of despise, yet he speaks calmly. "I am not Kidou, not Sakuma, not Endou nor ANYONE ELSE." But so far Fudou's calm attitude, the fire is burning in his eyes. "_I_ am the one who approached you when you _losers_ weren't chosen for the team. I bet you all thought of it as a mistake from the commission but did it ever occur to you lot that it wasn't those from New Inazuma Japan who weren't capable of playing soccer but it were you? They saw their talent, the talent that you lack. They foresaw that damn talent even before those kids touched a fucking soccer ball. Something _you _ could not achieve after years of goddamn practice." Fudou's voice is starting to raise and the curse words he managed to hold back this long are rolling out as if they are written on a paper and he's merely reading from it and picking the words he finds most suitable. "Yeah, that's right. That's how inept you all are. I pitied you and that's why you got this chance. I thought I could get out of you what goes beyond your freaking imagination but it seems I was wrong. Thinking that you could become a stronger team than New Inazuma Japan. Coaching you, giving you helpless, disadvantaged idlers a chance was the worst mistake I ever made. I would rather live on the streets and sell drugs to make my livings than coach a bunch of disrespectful, ungrateful, incompetent, motherf –"

"That's enough, Fudou." Sakuma interrupts him. He had been listening for far too long but he was more polite than Sakuma had imagined him to be at first, but when he started calling them names he had to put an end to it. "Could we have a world please, _now_."

"And whatddya 'ere for? Lemme guess, more complaints? Well Sakuma, today's your lucky day. I'm outta 'ere." Fudou turns his face one more time to his awestruck students. "Traitors." He spits on the grass, right in front of the captain's feet and calmly leaves the field. The students had not seen this coming, of course they knew about their coach's temper but they had not expected an outburst like this. "That's Fudou Akio for you." Minamisawa runs his fingers through his purple hair, but no-one pays attention to his words. They're all still trying to figure out how to hold their composure.

Sakuma clears his throat to draw the attention of the blown away students. "I'll find you a new coach, maybe the former man who replaced Fudou and trained you before is still available. Suggestions are always welcome too. You are dismissed for now." He nods briefly before he ruses after his friend, but when he reaches his office there is no sign of Fudou and when he asks the current secretary she informs him that he already left while loudly protesting.

Sakuma heads to his boss' old office with a feeling of defeat. He switches the lights on and doesn't move on inch for a while, absently gazing at Kidou's old desk. It's untouched, exactly how he left it behind. Somehow Sakuma couldn't get it over his heart to remove his belongings, from his pens and favourite mug to the files he had been working on before he left and pictures the pictures he had on his desk of teammates, his lover and his sister. Kidou had been slowly taking over the complete school as Commander but when he left they had to find someone to replace him, and fast. Ever since then a lot has changed on the school. The new principal thought of Teikoku as old fashioned, not much from the original Teikoku spirit is left. Kidou had been working so hard to modernise their rules. The old Teikoku in a new guise, but with the arrival of the new head of the school all his efforts went in vain. They left Sakuma in charge of finding a new commander for the soccer team, or rather, a new coach. Referring to their superior as "commander" would not be allowed anyone. It creates an enormous gap between the teacher and the students, what they want now is that the teacher is standing closer to the student. Responsible education, is what they call it. What about the respect they have for their commander, Teikoku's way of doing things? They couldn't just break with the old traditions. They had shrugged it off, it was time for something different and to smother his mouth Sakuma got the offer to be the second hand of the principal. He was protesting too loud, apparently. Sakuma had kindly thanked them for the offer but refused to take it. The soccer team still didn't have a new coach and he would take over the team until he found someone suitable for the job, now, almost a year later he is still their temporary coach— mainly because Sakuma is not putting any effort into finding someone. He almost went back to Kageyama on his knees, the second time and hopefully the last time he will ever have to do that, he practically begged him to return to Teikoku and claim his old position but the former Commander refused. He did not want to return there. Sakuma understood his reasons and did not ask further, but he stopped his search for Kidou's "replacement" there. Until this day Sakuma still coaches the soccer team and no-one is complaining, they too are glad a part of not only Teikoku's spirit but also Kidou's remains. Sakuma fears for the moment that Miyabino and the rest of the current seniors graduate. The second years, who already barely knew their old commander, are already protesting quietly, he heard, why it's working differently in the soccer club. When Miyabino and the others leave in a couple of months the soccer team too will not be as it used to be anymore.

Kidou's death has more influence on his life than he first thought.

* * *

Sakuma hadn't been able to contact Fudou for two days after the incident, he always declined his calls and ignored his text messages. Now he's standing in front of a small apartment on the other side of the city; waiting for his friend to open the door. "Fudou, open up, please. I know you're home!" He rubs over his arms, it's cold on the gallery, and right now he's wishing he didn't drive for thirty minutes to be standing in front of a closed door for what remains of his morning.

He hears a muffled "coming" and after some weird noises he can't place Fudou opens the door, dressed in only sweatpants and the black waistband of his underwear is visible beneath the thin line of pubic hair that leads to his crotch. Sakuma quickly realises his eye is fixated on the wrong part of Fudou's body and he looks up at the brunette. His hair has the appearance as if it hasn't been washed since the day Fudou left their house. He is holding a can of beer in his hand even though the day just started and there's a cigarette between his lips. "Whaddya need?" He snorts.

Sakuma's expression changes, the horrifying smell coming from either Fudou or his apartment, or maybe both is almost unbearable. "I was worried about you, and we still have to discuss what happened the other day. Can I come in?" Sakuma regrets his question immediately after he proposed it. Fudou's reaction is a little slower than what he'd expect from the taller male but eventually he shrugs and opens the door wider for him. "Wha'ever."

Before he reaches the small, dark living room he has to step over a pile of mail, it crosses his mind that he should sort that out later with him but after the accumulation of envelopes and flyers a corridor full of trash follows. Fudou shoves a half empty pizza box on the floor to make space for the one-eyed male on the outlived and badly damaged couch.

"Coffee?" He asks, holding a mug in his hand that looks like he found it on the dumping ground and thought of it as a nice and helpful souvenir to bring home with him. "No, thanks" is his wise reply this time. "I'm fine." Agreeing to come in had been his first mistake, drinking coffee from that old mug won't be his second. Sakuma looks around to observe the room. There is one curtain missing and what's left over from the other is not much left, it hardly covers the contaminated window but with that amount of pollution stuck on it you would not even need a curtain in the first place. Aside from his old, probably bought second handed furniture, there is not much in the room except for another patched up chair, an old tv and his laptop. The coffee table that's separating them is full of empty beer cans, leftovers and cigarette buds. The same goes for the floor which is also covered with stings Sakuma does not even want to know the source of. His eye falls on the credit card on the table and the huge amount of pills. "Are you still taking those anti depressive?"

The brunette lets himself fall on the chair with his legs over the armrest and takes a moment to reply, as if he's either thinking deeply about that question or did not even hear Sakuma at all. "Yeah, sometimes. Helps me get through the day." Is the other male's eventual reply.

"In combination with this amount of alcohol?" He quirks a brow, letting his eye slide over the bottle and can collection he managed to get together in this sort period of time. "and any other drugs?"

Fudou shoots him an annoyed glare and then he suddenly bursts out in a fit of laughter. Sakuma shakes his head and holds the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. There is no way of reasoning with him now. Underneath his feet he suddenly notices a little empty, plastic bag, so small it would only allow you to put a little amount of something in it and be able to carefully seal it. It begins to dawn on him; Fudou's unusual red eyes, his widened pupils, his lack of concentration, the giggle-attack and that _smell_. "Fudou are you high right now?"

The other male, still hiccupping because of his previous outburst, just shakes his head. "Bitch, I might be." He quotes the meme of rapper Gucci Mane. Sakuma who, unlike Fudou, does not find this hilarious at all rises from his seat. "That's it, I knew it was way too early to let you go. Are you even still seeing that therapist we got for you?" Fudou doesn't reply, something way more interesting on the wall seems to have all his attention. "That's what I thought. Fudou, for crying out loud, are you even listening to me?"

"Shut up." The brunette mumbles under his breath.

"Were you high too when you were coaching your kids, or under influence of any other kind of drug, drunk maybe?"

"I said SHUT UP." The sudden raising of his voice startled the one-eyed man. Fudou's expression changes while he is getting up from his chair, slowly approaching the other male.

"You don't fucking know me, you don't fucking know ANYTHING about my life and you just come in here pretending to care about me. You don't get any shit, Sakuma. Yeah, I get drunk, and high. I'm guilty of smoking weed, using cocaine, taking a few pills here and there but do you know what day it is? Yeah, guess you didn't think of that before you came here to lecture me. I can't even celebrate my own goddamn anniversary because all I can think of is what happened the next day! And it's not just that, it's his birthday that we celebrated together ever since we got together, it's my birthday when he took me to a concert of my favourite band, it's Valentine's day when he showed up with a bunch of roses, it was our Christmas the first time we kissed and it was on Christmas eve we spent the first night in our new house! You cannot POSSIBLY know how I feel you son of a—"

_Smack_

The sudden silence after Fudou's angry outburst is overwhelming the both of them. Sakuma looks at his own, shaking hand, still on the height of Fudou's face, then his eyes dart to Fudou's cheek which has a huge, red mark on it in the shape of a hand. His hand. Of all the things that are going through Sakuma's head right now the least of it is regret.

"Yes, I don't know how it feels," he starts with a trembling voice. "I don't know how it feels to lose my partner. But I _did_ lose someone too, someone I still think of and get reminded of every day. And that person is not just Kidou, but also you. I lost two of my closest friends that day. So don't you _dare_ tell me I don't know how it feels, don't you rub in my face that 'I don't know what day it is' because I do. Of course I remember how you called me and asked me to keep an eye on Kidou because you were out buying an engagement ring, and I'll remember that in four days your wedding day happened and how _happy_ the two of you were together. I understand that special days are difficult to deal with but for heaven's sake that's why we are here to support you! If I was just pretending to care I would not have come here, stepped inside this to weed smelling cave and I would not have slapped you just now."

Fudou raises his hand to touch the burning spot on his right cheek but doesn't say a word. Sakuma's eye falls on the wedding ring around his friend's finger and he smiles weakly.

"I don't regret hitting you but I regret that I had to in the first place, I regret that I let it come this far. I should have seen the symptoms earlier. It all went too fast, you weren't ready for this big step yet. You have to come to your senses. Yes, the weed and the pills mitigate the pain but what would Kidou think of you if he'd see you like this?"

"KIDOU IS DEAD." Fudou jolts forward and grabs Sakuma by his collar, pushing him backwards until his back forcefully hits the wall. "He can't think, he can't see me, he can't get goddamn hurt by my actions, KIDOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING. HE IS DEAD. He's not watching over me from some place, he is not at 'a better place', he doesn't want me to move on he is incapable of wanting anything like that because Kidou doesn't exist anymore in this world. And please don't tell me he still lives in my heart, and don't you fucking dare to start about my mother next. I got nothing left, why didn't I die instead? Why the fucking hell did he deserve to die?!" He lets go of Sakuma's clothes and sinks on his knees, the tears are streaming down over his cheeks but he doesn't seem to care. Sakuma wonders if it's wrong to be startled, because this too is something he should have seen coming.

"Akio..."

"Leave."

"Let me help you. We'll clean this mess up together and –"

"Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. House." The death wishing glare is back in his friend's eyes and Sakuma realises there is no point in arguing with him now. He hates to do it, he hates to leave, but there is no saying in what Fudou would do next if Sakuma doesn't walk out the door now. "Please call me if you need me."

Fudou does not reply. Before Sakuma closes the door behind him he throws one last, pitiful glance at the man sitting on his knees in his own living room between the empty pizza boxes and fallen bottles. Who could have believed he'd sink this low?

As he walks away from the door he can hear Fudou's muffled cries coming from the apartment along with moving furniture and breaking bottles. He'll give his friend the time to calm down and come to his senses, and then they'll start again with picking up the pieces. Fudou will have to, it won't take long before his landlord might kick him out at this rate and as soon as he ends up on the streets it's over. They have to do something before this escalates. No, _he_ has to do something.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! **

**Seiren, my sincerest apolologies for the amount of swear words Fudou used the last part of the chapter. **  
**I also want to thank you for your feedback and advice about the dates, it was really helpful! **

**This part was less about Fudou but I also thought of it as important to mention that not only his life but a lot of other things got affected by Kidou's death, Teikoku Academy for example. **

**Some paragraphs are a little longer than usual, personally I get lost sometimes and that's why I use that many usually. Does this work for you? It looks great in Word but always turns out so differently once it's uploaded. **

**Until next time!**


	7. Chapter 6

**I already split chapter 5, but now I was reaching over the nine thousand words with chapter 6 so I decided to split it once again and reward you all with another chapter! I just really want to publish something because your reviews make me so happy, I want to do something in return for you.**

**Chapter 7 is almost finished too.**

**A little note: I wasn't contend with the dates. I understand you all don't want to read back and check so I'll list what I will change (not today but somewhere tomorrow because I don't have time now):**  
**\- August 2019 (unchanged): the chapter starts from Sakuma's perspective with the diary.**  
**\- September 2019: They visit Kidou's grave together**  
**\- January 2020: Fudou scolds his students and gets fired**

**There are a lot of time leaps but I think Fudou needs this amount of time, I personally thought I underestimated the time he needed. I want months to pass, that's why it has a lot of gapes.**

***sighs* this is what happens when you make a plan and get so much inspiration you start to change things.**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

_J__uly 26, 2020_

If there's anything Sakuma as been receiving it are phone calls, about Teikoku matters, complaints, worried parents, and Fudou.

The calls involving Fudou were the most outstanding ones.

It started while Sakuma was at work, usually he ignored it when someone calls him on his own, private cell phone, but the unknown caller had been so persistent that eventually he couldn't resist his curiosity any longer and picked up the phone. He was quite shocked when he heard a male voice yelling at him on the other side "Make it stop! Please, make it stop!"

A little while later the over worried one-eyed man was on his way to Fudou's apartment once again. He could not understand much from the confused and crying man but he took it as serious rather than ignore it. There could be drugs involved. The thought of calling an ambulance had crossed his might but he'd first like to see the condition his friend is in before he involves the hospital. If they get their hands on him it will just be a matter of time before the police is interrogating him too and if there are really drugs involved he's risking Fudou's freedom. On the other hand, maybe the police or a rehabilitation centre would be for the best.

When he arrives the door is on a ajar. Sakuma suspiciousness increases, as for his heartbeat. Fudou sounded so helpless over the phone, what could possibly be going on? "Fudou?" He calls out, but there's no reply. He considers asking help from the neighbours, but then he gets reminded of what Fudou told him. The apartment on the left is uninhabited and the other one is only used for cultivating cannabis plantations. "Fudou?" He yells again. "I'm coming in!" He gives a soft push against the door and steps over the threshold. The very first time he visited the corridor was filled with empty pizza boxes, trash and weeks old post, but this time there is a little difference. The trash and rotting boxes are still there, as for the smell, but the mail is shred in pieces all over the floor. "What has he been doing here?" He whispers to himself as he tries to make his way through without touching anything too filthy. He needs support from the wall, the only light is coming from the door that he left open behind him.

He finds Fudou on the floor with his back against the wall, huddled, with his head on his knees and his hands buried in his hair. He's surrounded by torn pieces of paper and the usual rubbish. "Fud—" He gets interrupted by the phone next to Fudou on the floor that starts ringing. A second after Fudou lets out a complaining moan. "Shut up! Make it stop!"

Sakuma crouches next to his friend, one hand on his head to reassure him and the other holds the device to decline the call. "There, it's gone." He whispers, assuming the man on the floor as a killer headache and the loudness of the phone was bothering him. Fudou raises his head and they look each other in the eye. Sakuma gives him an encouraging smile. "I'll help you get up." Sakuma holds the man's shoulders and guides him to the couch so he can lay down. "Is that better?"

Fudou nods, almost unnoticeably. "I'll get you some water." Some time later they're sitting on the couch together. Fudou with trebling hands, holding the half empty glass between them. Sakuma puts his hand on his knee and squeezes gently. The brunette seems to be coming to his senses again. "Sorry for calling you out here."

"It's no problem at all," he replies, relieved that his friend still has his common sense. "you know that I am just one phone call away."

Fudou shrinks after he takes the word 'phone' in his mouth and his eyes slide across the room in order to find the cause of his minor panic attack. Sakuma follows his gaze, actually expecting him to be looking for something else. "It weren't drugs, don't worry. I ain't high this time, nor drunk." The tense in Sakuma's body lessens but he's still dubious. He's not sure if he can trust him on his word just yet. If there aren't any drugs involved, then what was he doing on the floor in complete panic, and how would he explain the even bigger mess he made?

The sound of the phone reverberates through the room for the second time within the fifteen minutes that Sakuma is inside and just like before Fudou's behaviour changes drastically. His eyes widen and he's holding the glass so tightly in his hands that his knuckles are turning white. When Sakuma meets his eyes he can see the exhaustion and an almost begging look in his unusual, empty eyes. "I'll take care of it." Sakuma takes the device from the coffee table. "You're connected to the Kidou-household," He immediately falls in his old role as secretary, curious about what Fudou is so afraid of. "Sakuma Jirou speaking. What can I do for you?"

"I am calling on behalf of _Premier Pool Plastering _and we're trying to reach Kidou Yuuto..." There it was, his name. Hearing it felt like a slap in the face. Not too long ago they confirmed that the address and landline were properly changed. It had taken some delay because at first the brunette refused to change it to his current address, but it had to be done before he got in trouble with the law. This must be what Fudou is dealing with, and it explains the torn mail. Sympathy is certainly not the first word that would come up in him when he describes how he feels about Fudou Akio, especially not when you'd ask his younger self, but right now it's the only thing he is able to think of.

The man on the phone rattles on about how they cancelled their plans all of the sudden last year and if money would be playing a role they could offer them a great sale. "I'm sorry to interrupt you, sir." Sakuma's eyes rest on the male next to him. "But the Kidou Yuuto you are trying to reach is no longer with us. His partner moved to a smaller apartment and there is definitely no room for a pool here."

The other man is silent for a brief moment. "I am sorry for your loss, sir. I'll make sure that it's noted that we will not call again. Have a good day."

"I appreciate it." And with that they end the call. Sakuma exhales a deep sigh and puts the phone back on the table. "I assume that this was your problem?" When Fudou doesn't answer he gets up and crouches to collect some pieces of the shred papers. They all carry Kidou's name on it. "Doing this won't change anything, the letters will keep coming if you don't handle them." He says, well aware that he won't get an answer this time either. "I'll help you sort them out, but I will need your help."

Fudou sighs deeply, at least, that's what Sakuma thought, when he looks up at the other male who is still sitting on the couch he sees that he lightened a cigarette and was exhaling the smoke through his mouth. "Smoking kills, you know."

"So does driving your car above the speed limit."

A smile curls on Sakuma's lips. "So you noticed." He did indeed ignore a few traffic rules in order to get here faster, and he's quite sure that when he returns home he'll probably find a ticket waiting for him for driving too fast within the urban area. With the cigarette still between his lips Fudou crouches next to him and holds a few envelopes in his hand. "Whaddya need me to do?"

The two men are sitting on their knees in front of the coffee table. The cleaned the table itself and a little of the floor around it, but Sakuma took it safe and is sitting on a pillow. Fudou is trying to find some missing pieces while in the meantime Sakuma sorts them on the base of importance. Offers, subscriptions, different kinds of facilities, outstanding bills, all sorts of letters and they're all dictated to Kidou. Sakuma realises that Fudou won't be able to handle this on his own, the man is not stupid, not at all, but the condition of his house describes the mess in his head all too perfectly. With a suitcase full of official envelopes to handle and phone numbers to call he leaves the house about a full three hours later, with the promise that he's coming back to clean the apartment with him later this week; something he should have done way earlier..

Sakuma knows that he's taking a lot on his plate right now, and he still has his job at Teikoku to maintain too, but he promised Kidou and himself too that he would look after the isolated widower. He cannot neglect him now that he needs him most.

* * *

_March twelve, 2021_

The amount of phone calls Sakuma had to make and was receiving increased within a few days after he had taken the task on him. As soon as he could he called certain companies to assure that they would not bother Fudou again and his fear of the sound of the phone would become less. According to Fudou the calling did indeed stop and the mailman continued his routine of delivering useless flyers to both of their relieves. Fudou expressed how thankful he was for Sakuma's hard work by making a little start with the cleaning of his corridor. Whenever Sakuma visits him he has at least a clear path to the living room. It warms Sakuma's heart to see him put this much effort into it, his own hard work seems to encourage him too. Of course, there are still days he has absolutely zero motivation and gets nothing done; days like that he falls back in his old habit of drinking and drugs abuse. It takes quite some time but eventually he manages to snap out of it, and this circle continued for months. March is the month that Kidou got officially diagnosed with cancer, reason enough for the brunette to pick up the bottle and start drinking again.

Sakuma was on his way to work this time when a private phone number called him. "You're speaking with the local police department. We have arrested a man named Kidou Akio this morning and he told us to call you as his emergency contact. Are you Sakuma Jirou?"

An old, strict looking police officer guided Sakuma to a small room where they have to fill in some formats before he can take the arrested man home with him. When the police officer had ended the call earlier the immediately phoned Genda that he should let his boss know that he won't be coming to work today. He turned his car and had driven to the police station to pick up his friend. He couldn't help but smile a little to himself though, at least Fudou had asked them to call him; he's showing some progress.

"May I ask why he was arrested, officer?"

"He was arrested for public intoxication. We received a couple of phone calls from worried citizens earlier this morning about a man causing noise nuisance." The officer looks down at his papers and states what is written on it for him. "We found the suspect yelling at the local super market that it should 'shut its trap'. The suspect was carrying a bottle with him and when we asked him to put it down he forcefully smashed it against the wall of the said supermarket. We brought the suspect to the ground and arrested him on the spot and brought him to the station to let him spend the rest of the night in a cell. He was not carrying any other alcohol containing liquids, a weapon nor drugs when we arrested him. That is the end of the rapport." The officer puts his glasses back on his nose. Sakuma cannot suppress a soft sigh of relief. Fudou had not been arrested while carrying any drugs and he had just been drunk, also his cooperation with the police would work in their favour.

"Thank you, officer. I would like to take him home now. He may look like another homeless drunk, but he has enough money to bail himself free. Of course he'll pay the penalty that comes with it too." If he plays it smart now, he could get Fudou free right now. It's a risk, but often sentimental talks work in your favour. He's playing the dead husband card. "He has recently lost his partner and he's not enduring it very well."

"How old was his partner?"

"Only twenty-five, sir."

The old man shakes his head. "That's way too soon. I remember my own father's condition when my mother passed away. I can't say that I approve of it, but I understand his situation." He rises from his office chair and nods firmly. "Alright, I'll allow you to take him home, but I have to warn you. They brought him in around four this morning, he's not quite sober yet."

"Thank you, officer." Sakuma gets up too and bows. "I wouldn't worry about it, it is not the first time I have seen him like this, unfortunately." He adds, giving the man in front of him a small hint of a smile.

"I'll call someone to release him, you can wait in the main hall, we'll bring him and his belongings to you in a bit." The old man seems to hesitate but then puts his hand Sakuma's shoulder. "Take good care of him. He needs concerned friends like you."

Sakuma is quite taken aback but he'd never use his professional attitude, nonetheless, showing someone that he is indeed human too would not be any harm. "I appreciate your kind words, sir. I certainly will."

He had not been waiting for too long when they brought the somewhat struggling Fudou in, along with a plastic box, the 'belongings' the officer had been speaking of, Sakuma presumes.

"I swear to drunk, I am NOT God!" The man slurs while the handcuffs that were still around his wrists got removed. "Yeah, yeah." One of the young officers sighs. "You've been telling us that since you got arrested this morning. Well, you're free to go now." Sakuma chuckles briefly, the sight of his drunk, barefooted friend in handcuffs slightly amuses him. Maybe it's the younger Sakuma's ego laughing as reaction to seeing his childhood _nightmare_ being released from prison, but either way it's not every day that this scene occurs in front of him. _Thankfully_.

"Come, big boy." Sakuma holds his friend's arm. "We're going home." With the box under his left arm and a drunk man clinging on his right Sakuma leaves the building, but before they head out his eye falls on the clock. "And it's not even nine am yet." _  
_  
As soon as Fudou sobered up and his hangover almost vanished Sakuma sat down with him to have a serious chat with him. Fudou is laying down, stretched over Sakuma's sofa with his arms over his head. He can't even pretend that he's not listening anymore because the bluenette refuses to stop ranting until Fudou finally gets it.

"And it's not just about your alcohol consuming rate, with this also comes the money you spend on gambling and other illegal activities, the mayhem you make of the place you're renting and the drugs that you were luckily not carrying around you when you got arrested this morning but you're obviously still using. Do you know how thankful you should be that they didn't test you on drugs for whatever reason? You are not only ruining your health but also destroying your own life. It's about time that you stop using Kidou's death as an excuse!"

Fudou flinches, if Sakuma didn't have his attention earlier then he certainly has it now. What he is about to say is unlikely for him and it's difficult to get it over his lips but it has to be said. Fudou has to face the reality as it is today. "We have all suffered but we are all moving on. I know that you're thinking that you'll never find someone like him again, and you know what, you probably won't. There _is _no man as him and if you don't want someone else then please stay single for the rest of your life but this has to come to an end. Stop pitying yourself, you have to start living your life again, it's been two years. You're simply hiding behind his death, and if you were waiting for some sign then this is. This is your final wake up call, Akio."

It's one of the first times he called his friend by his first name. After Kidou passed away they continued calling him Fudou, the first few months it was because they didn't dare to confront him with their friend's name and saying it out loud was still aching them too, but Sakuma found himself in a position that he could not say Fudou's first name. He somehow refused to, maybe deep inside he could still not admit that he can call this man his friend. But that is his own conflict.

"I thought more of you," he says while he sinks back down on his chair, out of frustration he had gotten up earlier but seeing that the brunette still shows no response at all he doesn't see the need of him still standing. "The joker, weren't you?" Fudou's body twitches again. "Inazuma Japan's secret weapon, and look at you now. If Kidou had not been so smart to leave the budgeting to me you would have been deep in debts, stinking drunk and extremely pitiful."

He paused to see Fudou's reaction, and that he waited got rewarded. It was barely audible but he did hear a low, annoyed groan coming from the man on the sofa.

"Yes, I pity you, Fudou. What did you call your own students again, losers? Ungrateful, incompetent, helpless, disadvantaged idlers, if I remember well. Congratulations, because those are the exact same words I would describe you with now. You are ungrateful, not because you don't appreciate my hard word, no. You're ungrateful towards Kidou. After everything he has done for you, you show him this. YOU of all people should be _grateful_ that you are still alive! You're incompetent and disadvantaged because you still don't manage to stand on your own feet after two years of mourning. I do not see _any_ progress at all. You're still the _helpless_ mess you were when we first took you in. Even the Resistance Japan had a higher chance of winning against the World top players than you getting back on your feet. You told those kids you would rather sell drugs and live on the streets than coach them, are you happy now because you've almost achieved that dream. Ah— you didn't know that yet. Your landlord called, you're as good as homeless if you refuse to clean your apartment and keep delaying the date of paying the rent."

Another grunt of discontent can be heard, louder this time. Fudou is starting to get angry. Sakuma smiles a little to himself on the inside, it looks like his plan is working. He just needs to push him a little bit further over the edge.

"You have almost nothing left, Fudou. I'll be keeping an eye on your money and you will receive a special credit card from me. I'll be taking care of your rent, with your money of course, but you will get a specific amount of money for one month and nothing more. So whether you buy booze and cigarettes of it or you do your daily groceries is completely up to you but be aware that I'll be maintaining your money and if I am not content with your purchases then I'll completely shut it down. I want you to find a job on your own too, you can't just spend all the money Kidou has left here for you. You should make your own money. When you can show me that you have your life back on the rails, you have a job and you can actually keep it, you can take care of your own house and quit with the drugs and alcohol I'll give you everything I took from you back. But only under these conditions. I am not punishing you, Akio. I'm trying to help."

There follows a long silence this time, Fudou has not moved an inch during his endless lecture but Sakuma is certain that he heard every word of it. He might not support it, Sakuma is even aware that he could jolt up now any second and grab his throat again, but he had to let him face the consequences of his unacceptable behaviour. Enough is enough, he should draw his boundaries too.

"Alright."

Sakuma's head shoots up. "I'm sorry, what?"

Fudou slowly removes his arms and pushes himself up so he can sit up straight. "I said, alright."

"Are you serious?" Sakuma stammers, he almost can't believe his own ears. He expected a struggle at least. "I mean, you agree with everything I said?"

"Yeah." Fudou shuts one eye and starts picking with his pink in his ear. A feeling of relief and pure happiness is overwhelming Sakuma, it's overwhelming him to the point that he leaves his chair and wraps his arms tightly around the brunette for a tender embrace. Fudou almost flinches, _almost_. He doesn't like physical contact, or rather, he hasn't been held like this ever since his husband passed away. Sakuma soon grows aware of what he's doing and wants to withdraw himself from the embrace but Fudou's arms are stopping him. "Not yet."

Sakuma can feel the other man's arms slide around his waist as gets drawn closer to the man he used to hate, he's able to feel his hot breath on his own skin and smell a hint of the beer he had in it, Fudou smells like sweat and cigarettes but none of that matters now because all of those things fade away from his thoughts when he feels the brunette's heartbeat through his chest. It's faster than usual and he's sure his heart rate raised too but it makes him realise that Fudou is not just a drunk screw up with a trash-speaking mouth. This man needs love and affection too, something he hasn't been able to feel for a long time. After his mother passed away Kidou was there to give it to him, how could Sakuma have forgotten that he needed this kind of support just as hard. Fudou is human too, after all. "Thanks." It's the softest whisper he had ever heard from him but Sakuma could not have felt any prouder of him. He buries his face in the crook of the other man's neck and they shift into a more comfortable position, just holding each other, for as long as Fudou needs.

After this night Fudou made a serious attempt to start living again. The budget management idea from Sakuma seems to work, he found a job as bartender and is earning his own money know instead of depending on Kidou's fortune. He also went back to seeing the therapist after Sakuma insisted. Fudou finally seems to be able to turn the helm and head to a life with a better future perspective.

* * *

**Thank you for reading, please leave a review!  
**


	8. Chapter 7

**Thank you Amaya0Miyako, is it strange I was expecting your review almost? Yes, and a little more than an hour after I uploaded it I received your wonderful review. Thank you, they make me so happy! To get one thing out of your system though: yes the thought of FuSaku did cross my mind while I was writing it but no, that's not the purpose of this fic. I said earlier on twitter: I would rather have Fudou dig up Kidou's bones, let him keep them in a closet and occasionally make love to it rather than that I let Fudou and Sakuma end up together. Too much has happened between the two of them. Not just their past, but Sakuma is more a guardian than a potential lover.  
The embrace was pure friendship and the love Sakuma has developed for him, as if Fudou is his own big baby.  
Good notice with the trend! There was indeed one, I think, but it's hard to suspect what I am doing I guess. I don't even know myself. Can you figure out the next one? Who knows.  
Yes, although I'd love to say that I am this smart and imagined everything all by myself: I did do my research, and I think that's important too. Just writing about stuff you know nothing about it difficult.  
If you'd check my browser history while I was writing I'd be something like:  
\- Cancer and the different kinds of cancer, the symptoms and the treatment  
\- A lot of medical terms and treatments  
\- Expensive wines/ shoes/ suits names  
\- Jamie Oliver recipes  
\- Wedding ceremony  
\- "How do I recognise if my kid is high?" – literally. You get those perfect Yahoo Answers sites and other things. Although I did not need to read the symptoms, my students (unfortunately) love weed  
\- Name of pool fixing companies (although I picked a lame one)**

**The rest was my big imagination and sense for drama.**

**Heather, I already thanked you on twitter but nonetheless I am super thankful (MAJI DE KANSHA) for your review as well and I'm sure you'll be happy because Fudou's perspective has returned and as you hoped, we'll get to know a little more about how this has been for him**

**Now the first part you already know, it's the prologue. I added and changed a few things so it makes more sense but I don't really expect that you're going to read it. I did change the date too, hooray me!**

**The story continues where the prologue ended "Shortly after their lives fell apart".**

**Have fun and enjoy reading!**

* * *

**Chapter 7  
**  
_August four_, _2021_

Dear diary, ––

Good afternoon dia—

_Hello…_

"Jesus fucking Christ." Fudou grabs the notebook and throws it with a rough gesture away from him. It flies several meters through the air until it gets stopped by the wall and bangs the ground with a loud thud. Of all the things, a diary, a motherfucking diary. He snorts, he seriously couldn't come up with something better.

Fudou buries his hands in his half long hair and places his elbows on the table, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. His hair is starting to grow again, about time; it's been over a half year since the last time he shaved it. It should be growing back to its usual length by now. It feels weird to have this whole head covered with hair again, it's been so long. Even after Kidou's death he continued to keep it short, easier to maintain it like that, but now he's 'moving on' he is finally ready for a new- old hair style.

After sitting in the same position for a while he slowly opens his eyes and throws a quick glimpse to the direction of the notebook he bought a couple of weeks ago; on advice of his therapist.

Fudou lets out an unintentional groan. Therapist, how much he despises that word, and not just the word. He holds a grudge against that man himself as well. Blabbering like he understands him, pretending to listen and giving fucking worthless advice; like writing down how he feels in that fucking diary. Describing his emotions and how often he thinks back at it. Well like that is going to help him, reminding himself how horrible the time was he's been through the past year. Yeah, he _really_ loves to think fucking back at the times he cried heavily and screamed loudly in pain, when he begged for someone to hear him, to help him. But no-one ever came, he was alone, abandoned, drowning in his own melancholy.

Until someone picked him up, at last, and put him back on his feet. He often wishes that didn't happen, he fantasises how it could have been if they had just let him demise out there. Then he wouldn't have to live with so much pain every single day. He wonders, or more, he doubts that this strong agony will ever vanish.

He lets out a sceptical laugh, it sounds hollow against the empty walls of his brand new, almost unused house; an empty house full of awful memories and flashbacks.

_"A new place, a new life, from now on things will only get better for us."_

That was the biggest lie he had ever heard.

Fudou gets up from his chair and picks the diary from the ground. The pages look frightening empty, they're staring at him, enforcing him to grab a pen and write something down. This is insane; it must be that therapist's doing.

A powerful sensation of rage takes over his body; he rips out the first daubed page, takes his pen and begins to write.

_Hello you fucking piece of worthless diary,_

There, that feels a lot better. It's his diary so he can treat it the way he fucking wants to treat it. To hell with that therapist.

_I feel like a complete mess, not very different from the other day, but, I have to start somewhere._

Why am I writing this down you think? Because a bunch of useless, fucking idiots thinks I need it. Or else I can't keep my life on the rails, thinking I'd hurt myself or something. Yeah right. I've showed them by now right? I can do this on my own.

I mentioned once, fucking once, to my therapist that I wrote a couple of things down during that period and the genius comes up with making a diary about how I feel every day. Yeah well, like that's going to fucking help me. He can't even come up with his own goddamn ideas.

Fudou puts the pen down and looks at the crappy handwriting and the angrily written words. This could be better, he knows he can do better. Somewhere hidden in a box in his closet lays the result of several months writing out nothing but pain and memories. He put it in a box after Sakuma returned it to him. The box belonged to _him_ and his fancy new shoes. He was so happy with the burgundy red pair of _Bruno_ _Magli_.

Fudou decided it would be the perfect place to hide some of their memories in since the shoes spent more weeks in that box than that he actually wore them. When Fudou asked why he wouldn't just fucking wear them he answered with something like that it would be a waste of the expensive shoes, what if something would happen to them?

Yeah, what if. It were just shoes in his eyes, who the fuck gets worked up over shoes? His boyfriend would, obviously, but he didn't fucking think of that when he tried them on and spilled some cheap beer on it later that day. He thought for a brief moment that if he'd just put them back where they belonged his boyfriend wouldn't even notice, but the look in his lover's eyes explained all the pain and love he felt towards those shoes when he entered the living room. Against Fudou's expectations his boyfriend had brushed it off and told him that he was right. It were just shoes anyway, he could replace them any time.

Fudou doesn't want to; he's not ready yet but his legs won't stop. He feels like he has no control over his own body, it's completely moving on its own. Fudou stops resisting when he opens the door of his huge closet. Something they made because they thought they'd need it in the future. He already protested, like he'd wear that much clothes but yeah, that's what you get when your partner is a fucking vain dork.

He holds the little black notebook in his hands. It looks like it's been used many times and then tossed away into a corner. That's pretty much what happened to it too, put away in a corner with his deep, dark memories.

His intentions were to maintain it there, never open it again. Hopefully never think of it again but it couldn't be like that. He can't even keep his own promises.

Fudou lets himself fall on his bed and begins to read. It starts somewhere when he was in his last year of high school around the age of sixteen, when he was still happy. He somehow started to write down his feelings in there, it was more of a joke at first but later he realised he actually felt lonely and had no-one to share his thoughts with. Yeah, of course he had friends; he wasn't a loner. It just never crossed his mind that he would feel the need to share his sensitive emotions with someone, but apparently even a man feels the need to talk about feelings related stuff sometimes.

_September 20, 2010  
Broke up with Shinobu today, what a pain. She kept complaining about how I spend more time with Kidou than with her. I'm done with her anyway, the flat-chested bitch. I'm working damn hard for my money and she expects me to buy her lunch and dinner, gifts for stupid anniversaries and go to the movies. She says that's what boyfriends do, well if they do then I don't want to fucking be a boyfriend. It was way more fun when we were still screwing around anyway. Guess I'll miss the sex with her, but not like we still did it that often._

_Kidou on the other hand seems to be spending more and more time with that one-eyed jerk lately. Che, what's so good about him? He's boring, annoys the fuck out of everyone and thinks he knows everything better. Who wants to spend his time with a wiseacre rather than with me? Jerk._

_October 29, 2010_  
_Had a small talk with Kidou today, it was going pretty well until those fucking friends of his had to interrupt us again. "What are you talking about?" That's none of your fucking business. But Kidou doesn't mind, he doesn't even notice that I don't want them around. Yeah sure, go ahead. I'll be fine alone._

_November 5, 2010_  
_That's it, I'm done with this. The only things Kidou ever talks about are soccer, strategies and school work. I'm giving up, like I want to go out with such a loser. This is useless, I quit._

_December 22, 2010  
We kissed! This is fucking unbelievable! It even sounds terribly romantic. School organised some kind of prom and I only went to show one Takanishi Shinobu that I look damn hot in a tuxedo (I borrowed it). She was way too busy flirting with other guys, it made me sick. The party was dull anyway so I went outside for a smoke and, there he was. He looked handsome, like, fucking, seriously handsome. Thought he was going to complain about the smoke, he hates it when I do it in his presence but he actually asked me if we could share one. We were standing quietly in the snow and when I wanted to pass him the cigarette he kissed me instead._

It was a good kiss, we started slow but eventually we were lip biting and hair pulling. A kiss has never felt so good and intense to me before, not just the kiss, everything he does feels so fucking good. The way his fingers run through my hair, the light squeezes he gives me in my arm when he needs to breathe, the way his body responds to my touch. I think I could be doing this with him for like forever. I think I found a new kind of addicting drug. Addicted to Kidou.

Fudou couldn't remember that he described the way they kissed so detailed back then. This has always been his deepest secret, no-one's allowed to know about it, it would ruin his reputation, so you can imagine that he was furious when Sakuma told him that he had used it in the months that Fudou refused to leave his bed.

He skips a few pages ahead, almost everything is in there; their first date, their casual talks, his jealousy, exploring each other's bodies, finals, their summer together, fights, their first time, college. They both enrolled to a university where they could combine their studies with soccer, they had been through so much together already when their lives started for real and they stayed together all this time. When they bought their new mansion together, Fudou really thought nothing could shred them apart anymore.

But shortly after, their lives fell apart.

Fudou cannot describe the pain he felt when he realised what Kidou had been trying to tell him in that hospital bed. They had just gotten married and the last thing on his mind had been death. Stupid, if you think about it, because death had been chasing the couple ever since Kidou got diagnosed. The first few weeks are completely blank for Fudou. He can't remember what happened after the hospital. What Sakuma had written down in his dairy did make sense to him, but if he wrote that Fudou went to a shopping mall and shot several people he would have believed it too. After he read everything Sakuma had added to his diary he told him where he kept this notebook in their new mansion and asked him to put it back there. He did not need to get confronted with it again. He completely blocked all the feelings regarding Kidou's death but his therapist is trying to dig them up. If he doesn't learn how to handle them now his nightmares will become worse and he might start to hallucinate again. What a load of bullshit, he's pretty sure it were just the drugs doing this to him. But he got a job and he's functioning pretty damn well now, there's nothing wrong with him.

The emptiness he felt the first months, a shiver runs down his spine. Sometimes he lets the thoughts in during a session. He's unable to feel anything, there is no pain, no happiness, no hurt, no joy. There is absolutely nothing. The scene of Sakuma's guestroom ceiling comes to his mind, how he unconsciously studied it, he knows every crack and each stain by heart. He'd be able to draw it even. There are no thoughts, he can vaguely remember people speaking to him but there is only one thing that takes over and wins every time: the feeling of absolutely nothing. It puts a certain pressure on his chest, it squeezes all the air out of his lungs while the darkness creeps in and takes over him. That feeling terrifies him, it wouldn't be the first time that when his therapist gets too deep, too close, that Fudou angrily leaves the room to end the session. That part of him should remain there, it's not meant to come out.

He can't remember that much from the sessions with his first therapist either. He had been taking a lot of anti depressive which also took a huge part in suppressing all of his emotions. To be completely honest, he doesn't even remember how Sakuma convinced him in getting to see one in the first place. There had been this moment of light, he remembers the one-eyed man sat on the edge of his bed, softly speaking to him as he always did, but this time there was something different; he had mentioned the word 'hospital'. One of Fudou's biggest fears around that time. The last thing he wanted was return to that cold place and end up in a bed just like his partner for several months. He started to notice the little things again. The sunlight that peeked through the curtains when the sun started to rise and reminded him that he had survived another day without his husband. When he focussed enough he could even hear the birds sing outside his window, but he also saw his own body. His skin, paler than how it used to be, his bony fingers and skinny arms. In blind panic he had thrown the covers away and pulled his shirt up to inspect his own body. He was able to count every single one of his ribs, he had become what he feared when he saw Kidou's body two years ago. He was nothing but skin and bones.

From that point on he started to change, he allowed his two friends to bring him meals and he'd even eat from them. They helped him up and put him in the shower, Sakuma cut his messy, full of untameable knots hair and shaved him. The clothes he was wearing were way too big for him and it made him look even more fragile than he already was, but aside from that and the huge, dark lines underneath his eyes he looked quite okay-ish again.  
Slowly but surely he tried to walk around the house again, every day he was able to take a few more steps than the other and eventually he made it downstairs.

Weeks of nonstop recovery had passed when Sakuma took a big step with him: they visited the grave together. The walk from the car to the graveyard had been long and silent. Sakuma had tried to speak to him in the car but since he got no response at all he gave up. He did mention how they were nearly there, but again he couldn't find the words to reply. It had been a cold and grey day, it was exactly how he felt inside, but that was a relief. He was able to feel cold, he was able to feel grey. It wasn't just darkness anymore.

Seeing his husband's grave stone was a bigger shock than he imagined when he agreed to visit it. He thought that it was merely a stone, a symbol for one of the many persons that used to be alive. That's what he had always thought, that's what he told himself when his mother passed away. He wouldn't need one to remember nor visit his mother, his mother was alive in his memories. The things that reminded him of her were soft and warm, not hard and cold like a stone. That's not how he wants to remember her, and it's not how he wants to remember Kidou either, yet when he saw his grave something snapped inside. It was beautifully taken care of by Sakuma and Kidou's sister. It was so different from how his mother's gravestone had looked like that he got overwhelmed with a sudden feeling of anger. Even the rich people get better stones when they die. A beautiful grave, specially made stone and colourful flowers. Suddenly death didn't look that cold anymore. Who are they trying to fool, what are they trying to achieve? Kidou is dead and he'll remain dead. It won't make a difference when you visit him, when you make an altar to honour him, when you bring flowers or sing songs. It will not change a damn to the fact that he's dead. In his moment of rage he had picked up the flowers someone recently put there and smashed them on the stone until nothing was left of it. No-one ever cared to visit his mother yet she was the sweetest woman he had ever known. What did the both of them do different to deserve this? What's wrong with everyone?

When he returned to his waiting friend he had calmed down, that outburst did not only release some of the anger that he held inside regarding Kidou's death and the unresolved feelings he had after his mother passed away, it also helped him to clear his mind. He had always been alone, it was time to pursue that tradition. If he truly wanted to get over this, he had to move out.

But the living on his own had hit him harder than he expected. He avoided being home as much as possible, because every night when he returned he realised he had no-one to come home to. The new apartment he found didn't exactly feel like home either, how could a place without the man he loved ever been called 'home'? Whenever he opened the door, the darkness that awaited him reminded him that he was truly on his own. He came home alone, he was eating alone and went to bed alone. Times like this he even missed Sakuma's motherly behaviour. The silence went on, days passed and weeks passed, everything went way too fast. He lost track of the time and his day and night rhythm was completely reversed. He returned on his way home while business men were on their way to their shitty office jobs.

His own job wasn't much better. He first gave everything he had, worked on new strategies for his team, developed new training menus and came up with a few new techniques to improve the team. But every day he got confronted with the work his husband had been doing. The office work, the coaching, soccer itself. It all reminded him of Kidou far too much and he started to take it out on the kids. He let them work harder, they are alive and they should feel that they are. Every day he made them train more than was humanly possible, he was taking all his anger out on them and in spite of that those lads were exhausted; they were still standing. Fudou had misused his power as their coach, taken advantage of his position as their idol and acted irresponsible as adult. Hindsight he respected the teens for standing up for themselves eventually, it was something he had not been able to do.

Instead he wanted to prove himself that he was strong enough, that there was nothing wrong with him and he certainly did not have any troubles, but it seemed like he was underestimating his own pain. There was a period of time that his nights got terrorized with never ending nightmares. He'd relive not only Kidou's death but he saw his mother on the floor of the kitchenette in a puddle of her own blood and there was nothing he could do. Because of those nightmares he forced himself to stay awake, it worked, for some time, but eventually it took its toll. He started hallucinating during the day due the lack of sleep and unhealthy life that he was living. He thought he heard Kidou's voice when he was alone to the point that he even imagined that he heard the door being opened and closed. He saw him on the streets, men in expensive suits, Bob Marley figures with dreadlocks- he saw his husband everywhere. Whether he was awake or asleep, he was living in a hell.

Not only his alcohol consumption increased, but he picked up smoking again and somewhere in a secluded club he got involved with different kinds of drugs. He tried a pill once or twice, snorted a line of cocaine thrice but the kind of drug that made him get through the day was weed. It helped him relax. It's pretty much a complete relaxation of body and mind, it made the cheap food he ordered taste a lot better and his life was a lot less heavy and way more funnier when he was high. After that usually the sleepiness took in and he fell asleep wherever he was at that moment. He preferred to get high alone, in his room where no-one would bother him. Especially not Sakuma, but he has always had this thing for loving to take a risk. He finally felt alive again.

But he needed more and more to get that same feeling again, in a short period of time he had build up quite a tolerance for the drugs already. He regretted the day that he was high when Sakuma visited him. Yes, he had been using drugs before he kind of quit his job but Sakuma finding out was very ...unfortunate. He knew the instant that Sakuma would enter his house he'd be done for and the next day he would drive him to the nearest clinic. That didn't happen, to his surprise. However, the slap in his face did function as a wake-up call for him, and maybe Sakuma had figured that out already.

He was prepared to start over, again. He'd stop all the drugs immediately and clean up the mess he made of his current whereabouts, but it was also shortly after the address got finally changed. That's when the phone calls started to play a role in his life, and the junk mail he always got was suddenly replaced for tons of envelopes with his name on it. No, not his own name. _His. _Suddenly, everywhere he looked was Kidou again. They just would not leave him alone. The callers needed him, the mail was addressed to him and he felt like a small fly, merely borrowing the name of the wealthy Kidou family. He felt like he was absolutely nothing. Even his own friends refused to call him "Kidou". He experienced something he never had before. When the phone started to ring for the fourth time only that day the tight feeling in his chest had returned. His breathing became irregular and fast, his limbs felt weak and he had to sit down to prevent himself from collapsing. Everything was tumbling right in front of his eyes and he thought that he was going to die. He had wished for this moment to come, he had wanted Death to take him away ever since he lost the love of his life but suddenly he grew scared. Not just scared, he was terrified of dying. In a moment of brightness he managed to grab his own mobile phone and dialled the first number he could find. His saviour, Sakuma Jirou.

Sakuma had helped him a lot through the following eight months. Once again the time flew by, he had moments that life was wonderful, _with _drugs. He had his moments that his life was miserable, _without _the drugs, and there were short periods that his life was stable. But he only needed a littlest setback, then he started to long for the days that his misery felt less heavy and before he knew it he had rolled another joint. Somehow it didn't matter, somehow his friend let him live his life. He questioned Sakuma's true intentions, maybe he did want him dead after all, but when he woke up from a night of heavy drinking and smoking again with the one-eyed man on the side of his bed all his doubtful thoughts vanished. He'd swear that he would not drink that much again and really change; he often wondered why he was still this devastated over Kidou's death. Maybe it was just his way of living, or rather, surviving. And maybe Sakuma believed that even though he had a hard time kicking the habit; he'll get back on his feet again without having to go to rehab.

The night he got arrested was certainly the lowest point that he had ever hit. He received an email from the foundation Kidou had invested a lot of his money in earlier that week. It took him days until he finally dared to open it, and when he did it was actually by mistake. It started casual, how thankful they still are for their hard work and would like to invite him to speak in front of an audience about his experience as a widower with a partner who deceased because of cancer. Nice idea, but he is not suited for a task like that, especially not now. If they'd see his current condition they'd kindly thank him for coming but would not want him to speak there at all. Then he saw there was a file attached to the email, another invitation.

_"We regret to inform you that Hayashida Kishi, after a short but extremely powerful fight has lost the battle against leukaemia. You are hereby invited to attend a funeral on ..."  
_  
Fudou had closed his laptop without reading further. Kishi was a lively, enthusiastic young girl around the age of eleven. She was a rather tough one, and she especially loved soccer. She was a big fan of the both of them and was the first one in line to ask for a signature that day, on her favourite soccer ball. She was the team captain the day they organised a match between the hospitalised children. The couple had grown attached to the fierce girl and Kidou and her had made a promise to get through this together. They promised they would visit her soon again and they'd bring her to a soccer match once Kidou was fully healed. Shortly after Kidou had gotten too weak to visit her and even Fudou stopped going. She never lost hope, not even after her idol passed away. Fudou had admired her for it when he heard about her condition from Sakuma. But now she's gone. Another innocent life got taken away by this dreadful disease, in the same month Kidou got diagnosed.

That night he had lost all of his control. He drank all the alcohol containing liquids he had within his reach and only stopped when he finished the very last drop. Around the time of three in the morning he had somehow managed to leave his apartment with the idea of buying more beer. Not the smartest move but it had turned his life around. He can't remember much from that night. He can't remember that he yelled at a building, he doesn't recall that they arrested him and that he spent a couple of hours completely wasted in a cell. What he does remember is Sakuma, there to save the day again. He does remember his speech and how he was really fed up with him this time. Fudou had crossed the line. But the clearest memory of that day is how Sakuma held him. He remembers his warmth, the comfort he felt and how he didn't want it to end. Two years ago he could not have imagined that a gentle embrace from Sakuma Jirou could have the power to change his life completely.

He found himself trying again, cleaning the mess in his house and his head. He swore off the drugs once more, he had no choice with Sakuma in charge of his money. There was nothing left at the end of the month for something extra. He simply couldn't afford it and it felt both humiliating and familiar, he had walked down that path before when he still lived with his mother. He had to save everything, he was simply reliving that period of his life. The job as a bartender did it for him. It was not only a distraction for him, it helped him see how pathetic he had been. Those drunk men, sitting their whole night on a stool, complaining and ordering drinks for young girls way above their league. There were different kind of men visiting the bar, with their 24/7 service and his changing shifts he could almost make a list and play a nice game of _bingo _with himself.

There was the jobless or just gotten fired group, who usually came in around ten am. The 'I don't want to return to my shitty life' men, who came in around three o'clock to avoid their wives, and the men who had just had a fight with their partner and came here to 'think'. Usually those entered around the time of seven pm.

One was even more pathetic than the other. They often say that a bartender has a certain job as psychologist aside from passing their customers another drink, but Fudou isn't interested at all in their stories. He doesn't care how they lost their job, why they don't want to return to their wives nor the reason why they fought again. He has his own problems to take care of, however he once snapped at one of his customers; told him that if he hates living together with his complaining partner why didn't he just divorce her, and divorce her he did. The first night he came in to celebrate his freedom, the amount of drinks he gave away were appreciated by both the other visitors as for themselves. They earned a lot of money that evening. The next time he saw him was a week later, he had lost his job and moved from the seven pm group to the ten am one. Fudou couldn't pity him nor feel responsible, he had merely given him advice.

There is also this small group of men, they rarely come in but when they do it's almost nine pm. It are the wealthy business men in expensive suits, surrounded by a girl or two and a wedding ring hidden in their pocket. They didn't come here for the drinks or the girls, they came in to hit on him. Shameless attempts to flirt with him. There was this one man, another wealthy one, in his early fifties. He reminded him of an even older but handsome version of Kerr Smith¹. Grey hair combed back with a lot of hair gel, but not more than Gouenji uses, and piercing blue eyes.

* * *

_¹: if you don't know Kerr Smith I do suggest you Google him. Google images, the sixth picture. Just preventing you guys from imagining an old pervert while it's actually a quite handsome man._

* * *

_Flashback: June sixteen, 2021_

"Don't look, but your stalker has returned." Fudou does look up, but at the girl standing next to him.

"So?" Fudou shrugs uninterestedly and holds another glass under the tab to fill it for his waiting customer.

"So," His co-worker, a cheerful Brazilian girl named Rafaela, drapes an arm around him. "this is the fifth night in a row that he's visiting and we both know that after some casual chit-chat with the men he came with he'll take a seat on the stool in the corner where it's dark and quiet and I'll be asking you to take his order."

Fudou gives his colleague an irritated push. "I told 'ya, _and_ him that I ain't interested. If he wants to hit on a bartender then he should visit a gay club."

"And you told him that too the first night and yet he's still here!" She tugs on his sleeve. "Come on, Akio! Like you said, it's been two years since your last boyfriend dumped you. Don't you think it's time to get out there again?"

He flinches subconsciously. When he first got here they interrogated him; they all had their story to tell and with their years of experience Fudou was an open book, so he made something up about a heavy break up with his boyfriend and he got involved with the wrong circuit. He didn't want them to know he had been married to the said man, even if it was just for a day. They listened, accepted him and shared their stories with him. All brief summarises, but Fudou felt a close connection on his very first shift. He wasn't the only one kicking the habit of the drugs abuse, not the only one who had lost his parents at a young age and he certainly wasn't the only heartbroken one.

"No, I don't. I told you that I first want to be clean before I start dating again." The girl lets out an annoyed sigh and says something about that she was just trying to help. "Sorry." He mutters under his breath. Even though she feds him up to the back of his teeth sometimes, he knows she is only looking out for him. He throws a glance at the foreign girl. He has never seen her without wearing that bright smile on her face, but he does know it wasn't always like that.

Rafaela fled from the Vendetta when her parents were killed. The liquidation had been a mistake from the murderer's side; he shot the wrong couple, but this one mistake changed her whole life. Because she saw the murderer's face she was certain that they'd come back for her so she ran away. On the age of seven she snuck on an airplane and ended up on the streets of Tokyo. Someone found her and took care of her, she learned the language and went to school. Now, as a twenty-five year old she's saving her money for a flight back to her country of birth.

"Akio!" She draws him back to the reality. "You've got a client." The smile got replaced for a smug grin and she gestures with her head to a man in the corner. Right. Now he only has to find a way to get rid of that man.

"The usual?" He asks when their eyes connect. The man nods and watches as Fudou prepares his whiskey with ice for him. "Will you sit with me?" There it is, the question he had hoped to avoid by placing the drink extra quick on the bar. Unfortunately, Rafaela overheard the question, or she just knows that he would suggest it, and gives him a meaningful look. "Guess I have some time for you in my break, could 'ya wait thirty minutes?" It's an unnecessary question. He knows he'll be sitting there until at least somewhere past midnight and refuses to leave until he at least could make one move of Fudou.

"I wonder what he has for you today." Rafaela joins his side. "Maybe another expensive watch? Can't you ask him to bring some pearls or diamonds next time and give them to me? He probably can afford it anyway."

The man, Robert, had given him a present the other night. They were talking about Fudou's reversed day and night rhythm with his late shifts and how he often lost track of the time. Robert recognised his problem because he travels a lot for his job, that was when he subtly suggested that Fudou could have his expensive _Rolex _if he'd like. Fudou had kindly rebuffed his offer. "I ain't his toy boy, Rafaela." He snorts. "But you'd like to be~" She teases him and quickly disappears into the kitchen before Fudou has the chance to throw anything at her.

"Oh yes, and Akio?" Her head peeks through the swinging doors that separate the bar from the kitchen. "I'm taking over your shift for now, you can start your break until the usual time" Fudou wants to protest that he doesn't mind to continue _at all_ but she winks and adds. "but you'll be working thirty minutes longer today. Have fun!"

"Rafa—" He shoots a helpless glance at the well dressed man in the corner. He sends him a dazzling smile in return and raises his almost empty glass as a greeting, or a reminder. It's almost time for a refill. He excuses himself quietly and rushes after his friend. There are hardly any customers now, and he won't be gone for long. Besides, officially, it's his break now. Once he finds the girl he presses her against the wall, not too threatening, he just wants to speak to her in private.

"What are you still doing here Akio? Don't you want to get laid?"

"He's fifty-two."

"What's your point? I said get laid, not start a relationship with him. He'll be gone before you know it." She's right, on the first night Robert told him he's on a business trip in Japan. He'll be flying back to America at the end of the week. "There are no strings attached, it's just sex." She tries to reassure him by placing a hand on his upper arm.

"What if he wants more?" He asks somewhat nervously.

"Darlin', once you're on your knees and swallow what he has to offer; you might want more of him as well." Again, she has a valid argument. It's only sex the man wants, some distraction from his daily routine and release some stress.

"What are you so afraid of?" She asks, sensing her colleague's unusual nervous attitude. "There is no harm in trying, it's just one night." One night, just one night. He could sleep with him tonight, switch his shift to an afternoon one without Robert knowing the day after and Sunday he'll be on his way back. It's a perfect plan, and it might be his only chance.

Rafaela noticed the change in Fudou's eyes and gives him an encouraging grin. "Come on, you already wasted five minutes of your break!"

A couple of minutes later Fudou seats himself on a stool on the other side of the bar, next to his possible new fling. "I'm glad you came." He smiles and orders two drinks for them. "Let's sit somewhere more quiet, hm?" He suggests after they received his second whiskey on the rocks and Fudou's _Bacardi Cola_. Officially he's not allowed to drink during his shift, but if he's going home with this man tonight he'll need some alcohol to bring up the courage.

After spending some time with him and showing serious interest in the man's life Fudou caught himself feeling somewhat attracted to the older man. The way he speaks, the way he dresses, the way his blue eyes light up when he smiles. His voice is warm and comforting and shortly after he finds himself fantasising about how he'd sound when Fudou touches him. Fudou rapidly shakes his head and tries to focus on what Robert is telling him again, something about his work. It must be Rafaela's doing that he's getting so carried away, and that it's currently his third alcohol containing drink of the night. Although he's aware that he build up enough tolerance over the years to not feel drunk after only a few drinks.

"Are you listening?" Fudou looks up, two bright blue eyes are staring at him and he quickly averts his gaze. "Yeah, yeah...something 'bout your job, right?" Robert laughs and a shiver runs down Fudou's spine. There's something about this man he can't put his finger on.

"Tell me something about yourself, Akio."

"There's not much to tell." He shrugs.

"A quick introduction, then? I've only figured out your name because your colleagues call you that. Isn't it common in Japan to address someone by their surname, how about you start with telling me your full name?"

"Fudou Akio." A feeling of betrayal shoots through his body as if he swallowed a needle, is it alright for him to use his own last name? By not telling him his officinal name, does this make him a cheater? He has never thought of this before because he has never shown interest in someone other than Yuuto. But if he'd use Kidou as his last name, Robert will probably start asking questions. It's a well-known name in the business circuit, how is it possible for someone like him to carry the name "Kidou"? On the other hand, not even his friends call him by that name, so it's safe for now.

"Fudou...-san?" He smiles.

"Akio is fine with me." He replies quickly, hearing his own last name with his voice only adds a bigger pressure to the guilty feeling that rests on his heart. _Hell,_ he needs another drink, and another drink they order. They chat for another two hours until Rafaela taps his shoulder. "Fuck, I was working." He slurs lightly. The girl behind him laughs. "I just want to let you know that I'm covering your whole shift for you. Can use the extra money, and besides, you're too drunk to go back to work anyway." A light, red colour covers Fudou's cheeks as he mutters a quiet "thank you". Rafaela just laughs and winks at him once more when she leaves their table. "You owe me one!"

Yes, he certainly does. Robert seems to understand the hint and places his hand over Fudou's own. "It's getting late, I shall order a taxi for you."

"No," Fudou replies and brushes his thumb over Roberts hand. "take me with you tonight." There, he said it. Robert squeezes in his hand to encourage him and he doesn't even pretend to be surprised. They were both aware that the moment Fudou sat down with him they'd end up in his hotel room at the end of the evening.

Robert seems to be far more sober than he is when he leads him to the room in one of the cities' most expensive hotels. Fudou is impressed once they enter the suite, the view over the sleeping city is breathtaking. He can feel Robert's arms slide around his waist as he embraces him from behind. "Beautiful, isn't it?" He murmurs close to his ear. Fudou nods as answer, he can't find his voice. This is exactly what he wanted and maybe even better than he imagined it. "But not as beautiful as you." Robert kisses the shell of his ear.

Beautiful, him? That's something he hasn't heard in a long time. What is possibly attractive about him right now in his black blouse and white bartender apron wrapped around his waist. A figure where anorexic boys would be craving for and his hair full of knots in a messy ponytail. That reminds him, he should cut it again, he promised Sakuma to not let it grow this long while he's still recovering. Roberts proceeds to press butterfly light kisses on Fudou's neck and shoulder, moving one of his hands up to unbutton his shirt. The brunette can see the both of them in their reflection in the window and he suddenly realises what is attracting him to Robert. He resembles Kidou an awful lot. The polite way of speaking, his expensive taste and not just that, the feeling of need to protect Fudou. Maybe he thinks he hasn't noticed it but unconsciously Robert has been looking out for Fudou as if he's a kid, spoiling him and right now; it doesn't even anger him. He's moved, he's horny and really drunk. "Take me to the bedroom, Robert." He whispers.

He doesn't have to tell him that twice, shortly after Fudou finds himself pressed flat against the futon with Robert over him, kissing his exposed chest. Rather than getting an erection when Robert reaches lower Fudou feels the panic taking over his body. Not wanting to stop nor disappoint the man Fudou flips them over so he is on top of him now, and by feeling the hump pressing against his thigh he's clearly more excited than he is. Fudou swallows heavily and hopes Robert doesn't notice his trembling hands while he reaches for the buttons of his navy blue shirt. Robert's skin is tanned and muscular for his age, he runs his fingers through the grey chest hair and it makes him wonder what colour his hair used to be. Robert's body is well maintained and he can tell that he still regularly works out in order to remain it like this. Apparently Fudou is taking too long or Robert is more the impatient type than he first thought because their positions are changing once again. His big hands roam over Fudou's bare body, clothing gets removed and kisses are pressed on his tense skin. "Robert..." He moans softly and puts his hand on his cheek. The older man gazes at him, a little confused but it doesn't last long. Fudou smashes their lips together and he gets dragged into a hot and especially messy kiss. He can feel the hotness of the more experimented man's tongue brush over his lips and shortly after he welcomes it with his own. His hands travel down over the man's spine and he can feel his erection brush over his thigh every time Robert rocks forward with his hips. The lower Fudou's hands reach the rougher and deeper the kiss gets. He's reacting on every move he makes and eventually he hears a soft moan coming from the other man which sends a spark all the way down to his crotch. Fudou can feel his heartbeat pound in his ears while the most important muscle in his body pumps all of his blood to a certain area. He can feel Robert's hands heading for his waistband in order to pull down his briefs and a hoarse "yes" escapes from his lips. He has never felt this _in love_ ever since... Kidou.

Then it hits him. It hits him what he is doing and the panic is taking over once more. His heart his beating faster because of a different source now; anxiety. The pressure on his chest his back and Fudou feels like he can't breathe. "No," he mutters, trying to push the heavy man off him. Robert grabs his wrists, assuming it is just a game, and pins Fudou down against the futon while aiming for his lips to smother him with another kiss. "NO!" He says again, louder this time and widely struggling in order to free his hands. "Let go of me! I don't want this!"

The confused man, whose intention was never to use the younger male for his own pleasure rolls of him and gives the both of them space. "What?" He snarls though, obviously not pleased by Fudou's sudden struggle. "I—I can't." He stumbles, reaching out for his missing clothes.

"What do you mean, you can't? You've been leading me on all this time to reject me once it gets too serious?"

"I— I am married." He suddenly blurts out. Robert pushes himself up with his elbows in disbelief. "You're _what_?"

"I mean I was. I was married. But now I'm not. Because he's dead." He breathes out those short, not sense making sentences. Oh god, just what is he doing. He's messing it all up.

"You don't have to lie to me, Akio. I understand that you don't want to sleep with me." He sighs out of exhaustion and there's a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"That's not it! I was truly married! My name is Kidou Akio now, you've probably heard of my husband: Kidou Yuuto. Or maybe not, I don't know. He was a business man too, or whatever he all did. His father is pretty famous too. – but none of that matters. He's dead, both of them. Yuuto is dead." He stares at the sheets and clenches them tightly in his hands. Yes, that's right, Yuuto is dead. So what's he doing here, acting all prude? He's not cheating on him, his husband is dead.

"When did this happen?" Fudou looks up in surprise. He expected that Robert would throw him out of his suite, but instead his voice is calm and gentle. "T-Two years ago."

"But the wound is still pretty deep, is it not?" Fudou can only nod as reply. "How did he pass away?"

"Ca..." Fudou clears his throat. "Cancer. He got diagnosed in March 2019, and passed away in January. A day..." He can't finish his sentence. Robert rubs over his back and then gets up to get him a glass of water. He helps Fudou take a sip and smiles comfortingly. "The day before he died we got married. You're – you're my first after... you know."

And he knows, Fudou doesn't have to continue his sentence, and Robert doesn't judge him. He doesn't laugh and he doesn't kick him out. Instead, he listens and gives Fudou comfort when he needs it. "I'm sorry," Fudou has trouble finding his voice. "You were expecting something completely different. I'm sorry for ruining your night."

"It's fine, Akio." He smiles. Fudou shuts his eyes tightly, he wishes that he had never allowed him to call him by his first name. Only Yuuto did that, it's too painful to hear a man this similar to the man he loved call him by his name. It's like Robert understood that, because he referred from mentioning his name the rest of their time together.

"I understand how you feel, I lost my wife in a car accident many years ago. I was devastated and couldn't think of dating someone ever again. Then I met a man and we connected, that's when I realised that I didn't need to find a new wife. I needed to find someone whom I could love again. In the end it didn't work out with him and we separated as friends, we're still in touch even. I am not telling you that you should change your sexual orientation and start dating women to get over the man you once lost, but don't hold yourself from falling in love with someone else. I understand more than anyone that it takes time to get over someone who you loved so deeply, but we both know that life is too short to give up on living."

Fudou nods and smiles thankfully while rubbing over his eyes, he ruined his eyeliner for sure but none of that matters right now. "Here's what we are going to do. You get dressed and I'll call another taxi for you, this time to bring you home."

"I can't let you do that, you already paid for all the drinks we had back at the bar too."

"It is completely fine with me, and I think you need the money harder than I do. I can probably afford it." He winks and Fudou's cheeks turn a deep shade of red, he must have heard Rafaela. Robert chuckles and leans to the younger man, he brushes a stray hair lock out of Fudou's face and kisses his forehead softly before he leaves the bedroom to call a cab.

Robert escorted him to the main hall of the hotel once it arrived and gently brushed his hand over Fudou's hair once more. "Here," he says while putting his business card in the pocket of Fudou's shirt. "call me whenever you feel like talking, or when you don't." He winks.

"I'll leave Sunday morning. I hope to hear from you before that." He says before he closes the car door. Fudou waves briefly and nods at the driver that they can leave.

Fudou called in sick the next day for work so he could avoid seeing Robert. Rafaela left him a lot of voice mails and text messages asking about the previous night and if he is sick because they were getting it on too hard last night. Fudou ignored them all. He ignored it too when she texted him again with a message from Robert. He deleted it before he could read what it said. His next shift he told Rafaela to never mention his name again, she wasn't even allowed to bring it up again.

And Fudou never called nor saw Robert again.

* * *

_Current time: August four, 2021_

Against Fudou's will, Sakuma forced him to see another therapist. The man he despised most until this day, but today he did make a major step. He finally visited the old mansion again. They were able to spent six night in this house, nothing more, and after two years he finally returned to the place he had grown terrified of.

Fudou slowly rises from the bed and wanders through the half empty building, Sakuma doesn't know he's here. He had given him a day off from caring about him. Genda took him out to a resort to relax and spend some time with just the two of them. He can't blame the old Teikoku goalkeeper for feeling jealous that Sakuma is spending more time with his derailed friend some days than with his partner. Fudou had been seeking a lot of attention from him.

He never realised how enormous their house actually is, there are doors with empty rooms everywhere. It's cold and dusty and there's a huge, gaping hole in their garden where their private pool was supposed to be. In two years, the house that was supposed to be their paradise has turned into an old and dilapidated building. He also finds a lot of unpacked moving box here and there. When he had to bring Kidou to the hospital for the last time there were still plenty of things for them to finish, things he thought they would be able to finish. Another empty room, he can't even think of a purpose for this one anymore. It has a beautiful view on their garden. He suddenly remembers Kidou wanted to use this room as his home office. He quickly shuts the door, that's too much confrontation in one room.

His fingers brush over the kitchen counters and it causes him to draw a clear line through the pile of dust. He sneezes and his voice echoes through the empty kitchenette. Fudou is standing frozen on the spot. It's too big here, there's too much space. Everywhere he looks there's space. There is no-where to hide and after living extremely isolated on his own for this long it starting to work on his nerves. He proceeds his little tour but a bit faster, room after room, a little faster still. Every hall, another closed door. Fudou is starting to run. It's too much. He has to support himself against the wall while he's stumbling forward. There seems to be no end to this corridor, it feels like the space around him is shrinking, the walls are coming towards him. After a brief moment he recognises the signs. The shortness of breath, his racing heartbeat, this dizziness, the pressure he feels in his chest, the cold chills and the feeling of losing control over his own body. He's having another panic attack, but this time he knows what to do. He sinks on the floor again and covers his mouth and nose with his hands to breathe in them. In through his nose, out through his mouth.

It's working, the fog in his head is vanishing and he's able to breathe again. There's still a nagging pain in his chest, but he's sure that once he leaves this place and reaches his own trusted, environment the pain will slowly fade away too. When he thinks he is ready again to leave this place he pushes himself back on his feet with help from the wall, but then fear strikes him to the heart. He can hear the phone ring in the other room.

No, that's impossible, it got all disconnected when Sakuma changed his address for him. Nothing in this house should be working. Not the fridge, not the radiator and especially not the phone. Maybe he's hallucinating again, but how? He hasn't used any kind of drug lately and he slept well. It shouldn't be possible for him to hear this sound. The phone proceeds to ring. Step by step he heads toward the source of the sharp noise that is increasing the pressure he already felt in his chest every time the tune starts over again. When he enters the room the noise abruptly stops. What he hears next is even worse than the empty sound of the phone.

"Kidou household speaking" Fudou's eyes widen. It's their voicemail, and what he heard just now is Kidou's voice. "he means Yuuto and Akio!" his own cheerful voice this time. Kidou chuckles softly. "Please leave a message after the beep" Fudou sprints to the device and ends the call before whoever was on the other side of the line could leave a message. He's leaning over the small table, his heartbeat audible in his head and it feels like it could break through his chest any minute now. He's standing there for a long time. That was Yuuto's voice. His husband, alive and well. He could even hear him laugh. In a split second Fudou grabs the device; pressing a few buttons and skips everything until he reaches the first voicemail. It should still be there.

There is a long silence until: "Ah, it's working, finally!" An exhausted sigh follows. "that took me longer than I expected. Well, you gave up on it long ago and you're showering now. You thought I couldn't do it, huh? You just lack patience." Another chuckle makes Fudou feels a shiver going down all the way over his spine. "That's just so you. When you're done we'll discuss about the content of our voicemail." Kidou pauses. "I suppose until then I should join you in the shower. I'll leave this message here as proof that I really did it. See you, then!"

They never got to listen to this together. He smiles a little to himself, Kidou had joined him in the showers and they had shared an intimate moment but afterwards he had been too exhausted to do anything else. Fudou didn't object to it, they crawled in their bed together and spent the rest of the night cuddling; tightly pressed against one another. They did make a message together later, but only because Fudou caught Kidou trying to make one and he quickly interrupted him. Fudou slowly breathes out. He still isn't sure how it's possible that the phone went but maybe it's meant as a sign. Kidou is not completely gone. He has pictures of him, he is able to listen to his voice and there are memories of him in his heart. This is what they have been trying to tell him for a long time already, but now he's finally able to understand and accept it. He's able to accept Kidou's death. He might be able to move on as well, this was his final push in the right direction.

His eye falls on a small, red flashing light on the phone holder. There is another message? With trembling fingers he presses the button on the side of the device.

"DATE: January eighteen, 2018. 09:16 am." A robotic female voice announces the date of their wedding day.

"Hey…" Fudou's breath catches his throat. It's Kidou again, but his voice is softer this time. "You just left so I know you can't possibly be home yet but I have to admit it's good to hear your voice on our voicemail. Am I too clingy when I tell you now that I miss you already, even though you only went home to pick something up for us. Can you believe it? We're getting married today. " Kidou gets interrupted by another cough attack. Fudou smiles a little, he had gotten used to it. He had been so weak that he couldn't speak for a long time without coughing. "I certainly would not have expected it when you first pointed at me and told me you had some friends waiting for me at Teikoku. I hated your guts." A weak chuckle follows. "Oh, I don't think I'm supposed to say this on our wedding day. I hope you don't get any doubts now, because I love you. I love everything about you and I am the luckiest man alive that I am getting to marry you now. … I'm spoiling the little speech I made for later today. I hope you'll arrive safely. I can't have anything happen to you on our big day. Come back soon, my future husband."

And with that the message comes to an end. Fudou collapses on his knees and stares blankly at the wall right in front of him. He had begged to hear him say those words one more time, but now that he did; it doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. He feels something wet drop on his hands. His first reaction is to look up at the ceiling to check if there's something wrong with the roof, but that's when he realises that it's not the roof but him who's leaking.  
Tears are uncontrollably streaming down over his face. The emptiness he felt when Kidou first passed away is taking over his body again. To think that he almost betrayed the man he loves so much. He had been on the point of sleeping with someone who isn't his husband. He let him seduce him, kiss him and touch him. How is Kidou ever going to forgive him for this?

Somewhere he hears an echo of a loud, screaming voice. Is he hallucinating again, will he see his husband standing right behind him if he turns around now? The screaming doesn't stop, it's driving him insane. He wants to yell something at the unknown voice but that's when he realises it's him who is screaming. He's sobbing heavily. He covers his own face with his hands. If someone would be able to hear him right now, if someone could just rip his heart out to make this pain stop. He inhales deeply, he can't breathe. His bony fingers run through his dark brown hair, digging his nails in it and tugging so hard that he's almost pulling it out. Another soundless scream follows, he can't bring out his voice anymore. His nails are scratching over his own skin, he can feel the warm blood flowing over his arms. He needs something to put an end to this pain that's taking over his complete body. He can't focus, he can't breathe and he can hear his blood rush through his head. He places his hands in front of him on the floor, trying to push himself up but it only increases his vertigo.

This is how it will end for him, found in a puddle of his own blood in a couple of days, just like his mother. He fought for her live, but she couldn't stay alive for his. Everything he was trying to accomplish went it vain. He wanted to become stronger for her, but what was there left when she chose the weakest answer life has to offer? Death. Suicide. In the end he's nothing better. His bitter, empty laugh reverberates through the room. Ironic, isn't it, how life is getting back at him. He used to spit it in its face but it seems that Fudou just cannot escape death. He reaches his hand out to the edges of the table to pull himself up and he slowly makes his way on the kitchenette. The walls are painted red by the long trail of blood he's leaving on it. He feverishly searches through the drawers to find what he's looking for; the _Kasumi_ kitchen knife set Kidou had bought for him. He let Fudou promise he'd cook for him every day. With a rough gesture he pulls up his sleeve, the unused knife shimmers as he presses it against his own skin. With just a little pressure he's able to draw blood. The knife is so sharp he can't even feel the pain, _not yet_ at least. He tilts the knife so he can make a serious cut, in a while it will all be over. ...And yet something stops him.

In the reflection of the blade he can see his own bewildered eyes. His pupils are widened and his sclera has a red colour because of the tears he shed earlier. What on earth is he doing? He's trying to commit suicide with a present from the man who loved him more than anyone in this world. He drops the blade and a clattering noise follows when it hits the kitchen floor. All the struggle he's been through these two years, the heartache, the drugs. The endless climb to happiness, he's giving it up by slicing through his veins. A simple cut is all it would have taken for him to end his life.

He kicks angrily against the counter. He has been through hell but he survived it, he is still standing. The death of his mother, the death of his partner, the drug abuse and yet he's still standing here. With a loud groan of protest he grabs the nearest objects within his reach and throws it through the window. The noise of the breaking glass is as music to his ears. He opens the cabinets and begins to smash all the plates on the floor, one by one until nothing is left. He is throwing with the furniture as if it were Styrofoam. Everything within his reach gets completely destroyed, crushed and demolished. He's annihilating the house he was supposed to live happily ever after in.

He should have seen earlier that he way of living wasn't worth it. His life isn't a fairytale, it never has been and it will never be. Nothing got sugar-coated for him, he had to face the reality all by himself. He had to grow up with his mother telling him that he should be stronger. Nothing he experienced has been worth the pain. He wasted two years of his life pitying himself and hating the world around him and what has he accomplished? How could he have been this blind. This is not how Fudou Akio fights.

He won't go down like this.

* * *

**This is by far the longest chapter I have ever written and I'm pretty damn proud of it.  
****Please share your thoughts with me!  
**


	9. Chapter 8

**Thank you all so much for your kind reviews and for liking Robert! I had no idea he would have this kind of impact on you!**

**Here's the next chapter!**

* * *

_August four_, _2021_

_Dear diary, ––_

_Good afternoon dia—_

_Hello…_

_Hello you fucking piece of worthless diary,  
_

_I feel like a complete mess, not very different from the other day, but, I have to start somewhere._

_Why am I writing this down you think? Because a bunch of useless, fucking idiots thinks I need it. Or else I can't keep my life on the rails, thinking I'd hurt myself or something. Yeah right. I've showed them by now right? I can do this on my own._

_I mentioned once, fucking once, to my therapist that I wrote a couple of things down during that period and the genius comes up with making a diary about how I feel every day. Yeah well, like that's going to fucking help me. He can't even come up with his own goddamn ideas._

_But better start taking it serious, maybe I can do something useful for once._

_Two years ago, January 2019, I lost the love of my life due cancer. I was devastated and fell into a heavy depression. One I can hardly remember things from. I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I had no strength to leave the bed. I looked like one of those zombies from The Walking Death. Maybe they should've killed me like one._

_I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Growing up wasn't easy, my old man was never home and when he was all he did was eat our food and fight with ma. I despised that man. Honestly, I was glad he left our home once he got fired for the most pathetic reason. Ma told me to never become like him, like hell I was gonna do that. But apparently I had misinterpreted her words and I grew power-hungry. Stealing and living the dangerous life on the streets was fun, but it could never satisfy this endless hunger for power. That's why I joined that man and his stupid plans with the Aliea Meteorite. My second mistake. But it's how I got involved with soccer, and how I met Yuuto._

_The first time I saw him I thought of him as a complete, fucking loser with his ridiculous goggles and superman like cape. Who the hell does he think he is and why does everyone just accept it that he runs over the field like a superhero. Seriously, did no-one ever question those goggles? I suggested once that he should have joined the swimming team instead, he didn't appreciate it._

_But people change, and it took me long before I finally realised that I didn't hate Yuuto as much as I hated the rest of the world. His way of thinking was similar to mine, we were able to understand each other with just one word and we connected on the field, and outside of it our connection grew too. Yes, we had a lot of differences, but in some way we completed each other. We had both already faced how it is to lose everything you have, and we shared the strong need to protect what we had left. I suppose I didn't realise until we first kissed how much I loved him already._

_Things went rather smoothly for us, of course we fought but in times of need we always had each other's backs. He had mine when ma committed suicide, and I had his when his father passed away suddenly; naturally I had his back for him too when he became ill._

_It was a rather tough period for the both of us, but it made us stronger. The connection we already shared all those years grew tighter and I always thought we were unbreakable like this. It's strange, him possibly dying had crossed my mind once or twice but I never really thought about it. I didn't think of what would happen when he'd die, because I thought he wouldn't leave me. Kidou Yuuto, dying? There's no way that strong man would go before me. Suppose that's why it was such a shock for me when he was suddenly gone. What was supposed to be the happiest day of my life turned into the worst. And it only grew worse after it. I wasn't prepared enough for his death, that was my third mistake._

_I have been living in a hell for two full years and it took me this long to figure out how wrong I was to keep living like this. It was an endless rut with disappointment after disappointment. I hated myself and everyone around me. My hate for the world started to grow again, why was I still alive while the sweetest and most caring man I ever met was not? What did I do to deserve this? Seeing how I lived it now, I don't think I ever deserved it. It was a very easy way to escape from the reality. Blaming everyone else for Yuuto's death, rather having the company of drugs and alcohol instead of my supporting friends. That was one of my biggest mistakes; I was a disgrace._

_I wonder if that's the reason why no-one, not even one time, has called me by the name "Kidou Akio". Everyone knew I'd be taking his name, that's what I wanted. I understand it, the first months I would have killed anyone who mentioned the name 'Kidou' to me. Believe me, even the state I was in, I would have destroyed them. Maybe it was just a habit of calling me 'Fudou', but I couldn't help but think I didn't deserve his name. I was still that brat who convinced two of his teammates to use a technique that could have killed them and I only encouraged them when they were squirming in pain on the field. I called them weak and pathetic that they couldn't even perform this much. Yeah, I agree; I was an asshole, but haven't I proven to all of you that I have a different side too? The person who played with you as teen and adult as representative of Inazuma Japan. That one man who was going out with the strategist behind most of the team's back in our teenage years because Yuuto was too afraid to come out for it, and I fucking respected it. I_

_loved that man and none of you has ever acknowledged me as a part of his life. _

_If it wasn't for Yuuto, I would have been dead a long time ago. _

_As for you, Sakuma ("I didn't read it" my ass, I'm sure you even read it out loud to Genda). I never liked you, still don't. How pathetic you looked in that hospital bed when I first came in. I'll never forget your expression when I threw that peel at your friend's face. Tell me, did you have a crush on him already back then or did you develop it later? _

_I had no idea how you felt, or really felt. I always said you were jealous of what Yuuto and I had, I teased you with the fact that I stole your precious Yuuto from you. After we defeated Demonio, did you really trust me? You forgave him, have you ever really forgiven me? That, I still wonder. You hated me and I can't blame you for it after what I did to you, I deserve it. I can't ever make this up to you._

_I know I caused you a lot of sleepless nights and I realise how I wronged you all those years. You are a loyal friend to both me and Yuuto. Not once have you let me down in spite of how I yelled at you and threatened you. I am sure that if he can see us he'd be damn proud of you. I'm thankful for how you have taken care of me and supported me when I needed someone. I have been a terrible friend to you, but I am able to call you my friend now and feel proud of it._

_I am honestly thankful. I would not have been able to come this far without you. I don't know why you gave me all those chances, you never called the police, you didn't sent me away to rehab. I guess you were the only person who had trust in me and stayed by my side for two years. Then maybe you did mean it, if not then, maybe now. You've got some faith in me. I am sure you had some expectations of me too, so hereby I am sorry that I failed you, again._

"Jirou, are you coming?" Genda places a hand on his partner's shoulder. Sakuma gives the man behind him a loving smile as he puts the diary away. Fudou was right, of course he did read it eventually, and he is glad that he did. He had never felt this moved. Fudou's words hit him right in his heart. How he described the pain and admitted his mistakes, he even felt a little proud of him. Sakuma felt relieved almost, he had been Fudou Akio until the very last day. No, Kidou Akio, but he never had the chance to tell him that directly. That is something Sakuma deeply regrets. Maybe he should have been more outreaching to him. He never realised that Fudou still doubted his trust, but maybe he was right. Maybe he never _did _really trust him until Kidou passed away. Could he have prevented this?

Genda had taken him to a resort where he could relax for a long weekend. He protested but Fudou reassured him and supported him into going. Eventually, they chose a resort nearby home, so that in case something would happen Sakuma would be within reach. The day was lovely, Genda spoiled him and he even managed to spend some time with his partner without having to feel concerned about Fudou.

He had been peacefully asleep in his lover's arms when his mobile phone rang, he left it on in case of an emergency.

"Sakuma Jirou speaking." He mumbled, more asleep than awake.

"This is the woman from across the street of the old mansion from Kidou-san." The voice of an old lady creaked through the telephone. "You gave me this number in case an emergency occurred."

"Ah, yeah. I remember now." Sakuma yawned while rolling on his back. He slowly rubbed over his eyes to check the time on the alarm clock. The green neon lights told him that it's a little past three in the morning. "Is something the matter, miss?"

* * *

"Jirou?" Genda, who woke up from the sound of the phone as well, gently shakes his partner after he thanked the other person on the line for the call. "Who was that, did he get arrested again?" He scoffs, assuming it's about their friend.

"N-No," he stammers, still a little perplexed from the phone call he received earlier. "The mansion...it's on fire."

The couple rushed to the mansion together but when they arrived it was already too late. Large, orange flames are beating themselves through the windows of the mansion, and with an overwhelming noise the roof of the building collapses. Genda wraps his arms around his partner and pulls him against his chest. Loudly sobbing he buries himself on Genda's torso. Watching this is a terrifying nightmare, the fire is consuming the entire building. While Genda is trying to comfort him and explaining him that it's just a house, it occurs to Sakuma that Fudou could have been inside. He frees himself from his boyfriend's tight grip and rushes to the firemen. "There might be someone inside! Have you checked yet?"

The men shake their heads and, for what he assumes, the chief takes a step forward. "We've been told that the building has been empty for over two years now. I'll send some of my men to check later, it's too dangerous now to go inside. The fire has spread throughout the whole mansion and it's on the point of collapsing. It's best that you and your partner keep distance so we can do our job and get the fire under control."

"But he could be inside now!"

"Exactly, he _could _be, I ain't risking one of my men's life for the possibility that a junk was using this building for his own personal cannabis plantation. That's probably how the fire has started in the first place."

"He is not a junk! It's his old house!" Sakuma exclaims. "I thought you were supposed to help people!"

"With all due respect, sir, but if there is indeed still someone inside that building then he's long dead by now. There ain't a way in hell that he survived this fire, or he suffocated in the smoke."

"Then I'll go—"

"Oh no, you are not." Genda grabs his husband by his waist and holds him protectively in a firm grip. "You have turned your whole life upside down for that man, but you are not risking it."

"But Fudou...!" He struggles. "Listen to what that man said, if he started this fire and he is still inside then he is dead. You have to face it Jirou. Look at the condition of the mansion, it's too dangerous to go inside now."

Sakuma tries to bite his partner's hand and stand on his toes but the tall goalkeeper doesn't move an inch. "I am not losing another friend!"

"And then what about me?!" Genda spins his partner so he can look him in the eye. "Am I supposed to lose maybe the both of you tonight? I am not letting you go inside there, Jirou."

Sakuma finally gives up the struggle and lets his head fall on Genda's chest, wetting his shirt with his tears. Genda wraps his arms tightly around Sakuma's waist again and lets him cry there. "Sh, Jirou, we aren't even certain yet if he's inside."

* * *

Sakuma shuts the door of their _Toyota Auris 1.8. _He is holding his partner's hand while they're walking down over a path he has followed for over two years. The crunch of the gravel under his feet almost feels familiar. He knows every tree and every bush, each winding and twist the path makes. Sadly enough, he knows almost every passenger they meet too, all on their way to their lost, loved ones.

Extinguishing the fire had cost the firefighters four hours. Early in the morning they managed to get the fire under control and around eight o'clock the fire smothered completely, it was still too dangerous to enter the premise, considering that it could still collapse at some places. They would investigate the main origin of the fire later that morning.

Sakuma made several attempts to reach Fudou but he got no answer from him. Genda tried to reassure him, it was not like Fudou to be wake this early to pick up his phone. When they received the news that they were going to start their investigation for the cause of the fire Sakuma's nerves increased. Eventually he could not stand it any longer and woke up Genda, who had gone back to bed after having such a short night, and begged him to take him to Fudou's apartment. He whole ride he was incredibly stressed. Genda did try to comfort him again but Sakuma didn't hear more than the half of the things he said. His mind would not be at ease until he would be certain whether Fudou is safe or not.

The elevator is too slow, but he wouldn't have managed to climb all those stairs to the eleventh floor either. He beats loudly with his fists on the door. "Fudou! Open the door! Are you home!" He gets a strong sense of déjà vu, all the times he stood before the closed door, but it would always open eventually. Sakuma doesn't care if the man is half naked, completely wasted or has three prostitutes clinging on his arms, as long as he would open the door. While Sakuma nervously searches in his pockets for the spare key he always carries with him in case of an emergency, Genda turns away from him to pick up his phone. "Fudou?" Sakuma's voice echoes through the dark, empty hallway. He steps over the threshold, the apartment is cleaner than it had been before. There isn't any lost trash on the floor and the smell of weed has explicitly decreased. The living room is empty, not deserted, but Fudou's presence is missing. The anxiety seizes him by the throat while he frantically opens the bedroom door. The curtains are still open, and the bed is empty. It doesn't seem like he slept here last night.

"Fudou"!" He calls out. "Fudou where are you?" Genda is alerted by his partner's cries and rushes to the bedroom. When he arrives he finds the other man on the floor, his face covered with his hands and sobbing heavily. "Jirou..." The crying ceases abruptly. The turquoise haired man lifts his face, staring at the empty bed in front of him. "Maybe he is out and hasn't returned yet."

"Jirou, I— "

"We would not be around for three days. Of course, he's probably still drunk, wandering through the streets!"

"Jirou, please, listen to me—"

The other male rises from his crouching position and turns to the goal keeper with a determined look on his face. "We have to find him before he gets himself in trouble again and gets arrested. Maybe he used something again and this time they will definitely make the usage of a drug test. Do you know how long they could keep him in jail for that?" He asks curiously while trying to pass the other man in the room, but Genda grabs him by his arm. "They know how the fire started."

Sakuma stops in his track, not because of Genda's firm grip, but his words. He is frozen on the spot. "It wasn't an accident. Someone has accumulated most of the furniture in the living room and set it on fire." Genda pauses, studying his partner's face, searching for any kind of emotion, but there isn't any. His eyes are blank. "They have also found a body. It is badly damaged because of the fire but the teeth they found are still useful enough for a DNA research." His thumb brushes over Sakuma's arm, desperate for any kind of reaction from his partner. "But I am afraid we both know what will come out of the results."

"There was a party, but it escalated." He says suddenly, his voice hoarse and unstable. "Adolescents who used the vacant house for illegal activities. They were drunk, made a fire of the furniture, but it got out of hand. One of them was not able to escape from the flames in time –"

"Don't do this to yourself Jirou!" Unlike Sakuma's voice, Genda's is sharp. It makes the other cringe. "You've been soft for him this whole time but that is not my way of doing things. You have to come to your senses and face the reality. Maybe he was drunk, or high or under influence of any kind of other drug and it has indeed been an accident. But it is highly possible that he was miserable and saw this as the only solution to cope with the hurt but either way, all the evidence suggests that it was Fudou who started the fire in his own mansion."

Perhaps he was a little too harsh but it is the only way to reach him. Sakuma hadn't been granted with the opportunity to grieve properly for Kidou. He had been sugar-coating everything for Fudou but they are able to see the results of that now. He can't allow this to happen to his partner too.

"Do you think he left a note?"

When Genda looks up at his partner he sees the tears running down over his face. He draws Sakuma closer to gently wipe them away with his thumb. "Even if he did, everything got destroyed by the enormous fire he created and is in ashes." Sakuma's eye softens and his whole body slumps, fortunately Genda is there to catch him. "I want to go home now." His whole body is trembling in Genda's arms.

Later that afternoon a package arrived. It contained a black note book. Sakuma recognised it immediately. It's Fudou's diary, and inside of it, on the last page; his suicide note. Days passed until they received a phone call and what everyone already suspected got confirmed. The body they found in de mansion belonged to Kidou Akio.

Today it's august fourteen, Fudou's birthday. He would have turned 27 today. He committed suicide exactly two weeks before his birthday. His funeral had been very different from Kidou's. There weren't as many guests, not because they didn't care, but the couple didn't invite as much guests as they had for Kidou's funeral. It had been a huge event and they tried to make the best of the day, but Fudou's funeral had been full of grief. For the second time in two years they had to gather because they lost another one of their friends. They cried and mourned over the lost of both of the men again. Everyone wondered if they could have prevented this, give him more support throughout the years he suffered or call him once in a while to check up on him.

Sakuma disagrees. He would not have wanted their support, he would not have answered their phone calls, because it wouldn't have brought his Yuuto back. Sakuma cannot cry anymore, maybe he even feels at ease as he crouches to change the flowers he brought earlier with these new ones. Blue roses, in the flower language the blue ones carry the beautiful meaning of a miracle and celestial love, but they also have one other meaning. Namely, the impossible.

It had been difficult to separate the ashes from the building with what was left over from Fudou's body, so the coffin Sakuma chose had been more of a symbolic one. It hadn't actually carried the brunette's body, but Sakuma is certain that this is what he would have wanted in the end. They collected some of the ashes, partly what they suspect that remained of Fudou's body and they mixed it with what they found between the remaining of the mansion. It had been a part of their lives too, after all.

The impossible, a lot of things had been denied for Fudou in his life. It had been a struggle until the very last day. Had it been impossible for him to recover? Was it impossible for him to live without Kidou, or had he just been not strong enough?

"Jirou, it's time." Without looking up, Sakuma raises his hand and brushes his fingers over the dates that are carved into the stones. It feels cold underneath his warm fingers.

_"Kidou Yuuto, 20-09-1994 – 19-01-2019_

_Kidou Akio, 14-08-1994 – 04-08-2021"_

Genda helps Sakuma stand. "We wouldn't want to miss our own wedding day." He chuckles as he entangles their fingers together and smiles as he feels Genda's engagement ring against his own fingers. "Not because of those two, certainly not." The taller man presses a soft kiss against Sakuma's temple and the couple starts walking back slowly; holding on tightly to each other.

In the end, Fudou got what he wanted. He found love again, and somewhere up there; Sakuma is convinced that they are reunited, while here on Earth their bodies are resting right next to one another, as if it were meant to be like that.

* * *

_I know ya never got married because of me. Not alone were you too occupied with taking care of me to be thinking about your relationship with Genda, but you grew scared of it. Yes, I was aware. You were scared that if would grow jealous of your marriage and I would try to sabotage it, but furthermore you were terrified of losing him. You and Genda aren't like Yuuto and I. Don't worry Sakuma-kun, there's nothing to be afraid of. You'll be able to enjoy your wedding day and future husband until you grow tired of each other! It'll all turn out to be fine, as captain would say._

_And don't worry 'bout me too much, once you read this; I'm sure that I found Yuuto already and we'll be smiling like dorks and make out like rabbits. For me, this ain't a good bye, it's a start. Maybe I disappointed you, the Fudou Akio who was always seeking for more power ended his own life, even after I promised that I would never follow in my mother's footsteps. But I ended it with huge fireworks, so I hope. I destroyed everything that kept me here, all the painful memories are gone and I'm finally able to rest in peace, and I'm sure Yuuto's soul is at ease too. Don't you dare mourn like I did because I am happier than I will ever be when I see my Yuuto again._

_Thank you for all the care and love you've given me. Some day, hopefully not too soon, we will see each other again._

_Kidou Akio_

* * *

**_The end._**

**Thank you all for sticking through the end, I owe you a lot because all of you kind readers are the reason I managed to write and finish this.  
You're all very dear to me and it's been an incredible journey full of tears and sorry, for me a lot of laughter. Your reviews brighten my day! I do hope you will all continue reading my fics even though I've hurt some of you a lot.  
I'm starting with a new KDFD story very soon actually! All the ideas are so very exciting that my fingers are already itching!**

**Not only KDFD stories are on my agenda, I've actually made a folder with rough sketches and quick ideas, and you know what, I'm going to work to finish them all! So if you aren't done with me yet, please keep on reading!**

**Angel**


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